Dear Couples, Stop Going to The Gym Together. Sincerely, All Average Joe's

After decades of light beer, fried food, meat sweats, and minimal ambulatory movement I, a middle-aged, slightly overweight male, decided to start going to the gym. The doctors, nutritionists, and other personnel who do more than stare at spreadsheets for forty hours a week, have continuously reiterated the benefits of physical activity. These brainy people publish countless articles about how physical activity provides for mental stimulation and the secretion of serotonin. Upon exiting the gym, I do believe I was secreting serotonin but not from my physical activity, but rather from watching couples working out together.

Now before this blog goes too far, The Cornercube wants to recognize that this blog, may, and will, offend many of its readers. Please do not stop reading our content based off one middle aged man’s experience at the gym. I’m sure you and your partner are the best dynamic duo to ever lift iron together. What we are trying to say is, take a joke.

There are two types of gym couples. The first is what I’ll call the “AC-130” type. “What is this?” you might ask. Well, during my pre-workout days I played lots of online first-person shooters.  One in particular was called, Call of Duty: 4 Modern Warfare. In the story there is a mission in which one player is a gunner in an AC-130 gunship, while the other player is a soldier on the ground trying to make his way deep behind enemy lines. The gunship watches over and eliminates any threats so that the ground player can escape.

Each person in an “AC-130” couple assumes either the role of the gunner or the soldier. Typically, the gunner is always the female and the soldier is the male. After they give each other a pre-workout hug/kiss, each person will go to his/her respective “machines” to assume their positions. The male will go to the bench – naturally he is there because he wants to “get big” and satisfy his primal instincts – “get swol, so I may defend and attract the opposite sex.” The female will start off on the treadmill/stairs. This is her “perch”. From either of these locations she can oversee where her man is and whether any threats (i.e. other females) are encroaching upon her man’s exercise routine. In an ideal situation she would like her man to not to talk to anyone but herself, and simply lift his weights while intermittently drinking his kale, soy and broccoli protein shake out of his $45-dollar water bottle that she purchased for him at Dick’s the previous Christmas.

What is interesting to observe is when a female encroaches upon the male’s “fitness zone.” The “gunner” who typically starts off on the treadmill will then, if needing a better vantage point to take her shot, move to the stairs machine. Here, she can see, process, and determine if such a female is a threat to her man. How does the gunner judge if such a female is a threat? Based off two objects – the female’s backside and her soldier’s reaction. First, with the advent of the Kardashians, belfie, and social media women have been ever more regarding their backside as their greatest asset (pun intended). If the gunner assesses the threat (the other female) as either having a more attractive or equally attractive backside, the gunner will maneuver to closer proximity within the lifting soldier's location because, “it’s time for her to start her squat exercises.” She’ll immediately interrupt any conversation to make it known that the female is talking to her man, thereby eliminating the threat. This same process will be used if the soldier and the threat look to be enjoying their conversation (soldier is laughing, asking questions, being a nice human).  The gunner will go to DEFCON-5 if either her man or the threat pull out their phones (exchange of numbers? Following each other on Instagram? Snapchat friends? Sharing protein shake recipes??). If the phones are pulled out, on the car ride home the gunner will have to undergo an internal investigation to determine whether her man has been compromised

The other type of couple is the “stick to me like glue” couple. This name comes from the famous line in the 1969 film, Battle of Britain, when one of senior fighter pilots instructs a new recruit to “stick to him like glue” when they are flying together.

The same thing happens at the gym. The couple will either do each exercise together or oscillate. For instance, the male might do the leg press for a certain amount of reps. The female will stand, wait, watch, and even provide her man with praise as he accomplishes his “lift.” The female will then adjust her weight, do her leg press and the male will stand, wait, watch and even provide praise for his lady. It’s interesting to see how the couple decides who leads the workout (what machines they do first, for how long, etc.). “First in” is based off two determining factors: desire and experience. The person who leads is typically the one who wanted to go to the gym in the first place. This is usually the person with the gym pass, or the person who convinced the other to apply for a gym pass. The other is experience in which the person who has the gym pass might not be the leader but rather, the person who has more experience lifting (i.e. the man who still goes around talking about his high school days).  There have been a few times in which the leader starts to determine what exercise another should do, which is always amusing. For instance, one time the male instructed his significant other that she should work on her “butt, while he works on his hamies.” In this scenario the female obliged.

Most people, and even the internet, support couples working out together. Simply Google “couples working out together” and the first three hits are a list of its benefits. Some of these benefits are: (1) increase happiness with your relationship; (2) increase emotional bond; (3) help achieve fitness goals and (4) make your partner fall in love with you. All of these are great, but the issue is they are all speaking to those who are already physically gifted. For example, I don’t want my wife near me when I’m doing a machine. My spouse doesn’t enjoy watching a hippo give birth and so probably won’t find it attractive when she sees the man with whom she bore children, wheezing in agony as he tries to lift seventy pounds on the bicep press. I also don’t think our happiness or emotional bond will increase when she sees her “knight in shining armor” dry heaving as he walks at 4 mph on the treadmill, using a towel to wipe away his brow sweat (mind you, all of this is happening as I am watching The Great British Bake Off. How do they make those chocolate crumpets so moist?) My fitness goal, unlike the Adonises I am surrounded by, is not to be able to lift my “honey” off her feet and parade her up the stairs to our bedroom for late night love making, but rather so that I can feel confident that I won’t have Type 2 Diabetes in a decade.

Both the couples and I are doing the same activities at the gym (albeit at different speeds, intensities, and weights), but for completely different reasons. The couples, who are almost all physically fit, workout to maintain their physiques which, most likely, were the root of their initial mutual attraction. However, even with their bulging muscles, slim waists, and sculpted figures, many seem to lack the basic sense of trust needed to maintain a real relationship. I go to the gym so I don’t die in a decade. They go to the gym so their relationship won’t either.  

By: Stan Bemis, @stanbemis

 

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SOMEONE SAVE TERRY McLAURIN!

On April 8, 2009 an American cargo ship called, Maersk Alabama, was seized by four Somali pirates off the coast of Somalia. This would become the first successful pirate seizure of an American vessel since the Second Barbary War (1815). Three days later, April 12, 2009, the U.S. Navy killed three of the four pirates and rescued the captain of the ship, Captain Richard Phillips. This dramatic sequence of events would later be made into a 2013 Tom Hanks film, called, Captain Phillips (the famous line in this movie is, “I am the Capt’n now”). Not only would this event personify the bravery that Captain Phillips and his crew displayed, but also allowed the world to see how the American military acted swiftly to secure its citizens.

So what does a rescue mission have to do with The Cornercube? The simple answer – everything.  The Cornercube’s Intelligence Unit (“CIU”) has identified a possible hostage situation that has prolonged since April (and no, this is not the theory that Peyton Manning was forced to do all those Papa John commercials because “Papa” held his family captured in Papa’s basement). Terry McLaurin, former great wideout from Ohio State University and now a rookie wide receiver for the Washington Redskins, must be rescued from a deplorable franchise that will more than likely underpay him, deplete his talent, and leave him without any sort of accomplishments.

McLaurin, is, and deservingly should be, a candidate for rookie of the year. Through week 6 of the NFL season McLaurin leads all rookie receivers in receptions, receiving yards, and touchdowns. McLaurin has been praised and envied by defenders for his ability to effortlessly run routes. As NBC Sports Washington’s reporter, Peter Hailey, stated, “he’s beating guys deep, he’s beating guys over the middle and he’s beating guys in contested situations.” The most impressive part of McLaurin’s achievements is the fact that the quarterback(s) throwing him the ball are all terrible.

The Redskins have been a debacle of a team since they started training camp (and before that). The first issue is the fact that the franchise is the most disorganized, disoriented, mismanaged organization in all of sports (it may be even more disorganized than the New York Knicks’ coke snorting owner, James Dolan). Chuck Coltman, a diehard Washington Redskins’ fan who also paid an advertising firm to fly a banner over Hard Rock Stadium in Miami as the Redskins and Dolphins played,  that read, “Help Skins Fans Fire Bruce Allen”, stated it best when he said, “under Bruch Allen, it’s just been horrible.”  Allen is the Redskins team President. He has no notable team achievement in his decade of employment unless one were to count 1) his ability to pack the FedEx Field with opposing fans; 2) cause forty employees to quit the organization within a year; 3) ostracize his pro bowl offensive tackle, Trent Williams, so much so that Williams has opted to not suit up this year, or 4) the fact that the Redskins fired Jay Gruden after providing him with absolutely no say in the players or transactions that he was pressed to accept. There are also the past transgressions such as the RGIII issues, the Kirk Cousins mismanagement,  the New York Times article articulating Washington cheerleaders being harassed by Redskin officials, and the very fact that the Redskins’ owner, Dan Snyder, doesn’t believe the name “Redskins” is at all racist (ironically the Redskins were the last NFL team to integrate). So, it’s easy to see that McLaurin has been hired to work in an organization that is led by a bunch of racist, misogynistic, inept, rich white guys (similar to today’s White House).

Besides the macro issues surrounding McLaurin and the Redskins, it’s important to realize that McLaurin is in the running for Rookie of the Year for the fact that as a wide receiver he is reliant on a quarterback to get him the ball. Three quarterbacks have thrown to McLaurin this year. Case Keenum, known for being an inconsistent journeyman quarterback, so far has a QBR of 42.8 (through Week 7 of the NFL season) out of 100. Then there was a game in which Colt McCoy a career Redskins backup got the nod to start, going 18 for 27 passing, throwing a pick, no touchdowns, garnering 122 yards. He was relegated to be the backup after that game and Case Keenum reverted to starter, even though his stats aren’t that much more impressive. Then, out of desperation, McLaurin was forced to catch balls from his former and now rookie quarterback, Dwayne Haskins (who is also being held hostage but because he isn’t playing, yet, isn’t in the immediate need of rescuing.). Haskins faired no better than the two veterans in front of him, going nine for seventeen passing and threw three picks. In turn, McLaurin’s ability to remain a rookie of the year candidate is as impressive as people still willing to believe that Trump shouldn’t be impeached (The Cornercube tries to stay politically neutral, but we do not remain neutral to those individuals who work with foreign governments for political gain. It’s just good patriotic common sense). 

If the NFL fails to rescue McLaurin, he will go down similarly to that of Deandre Hopkins. Hopkins was drafted by the Houston Texans in 2013, and even made the pro bowl in 2015 even though he wouldn’t have a decent quarterback until DeSahun Watson was drafted in 2017. From 2013 to 2017 Hopkins caught passes and/or played alongside the following quarterbacks – Matt Schuab (currently a backup QB in Atlanta), Ryan Fitzpatrick (journeyman QB and currently “starting” for the winless Dolphins), Case Keenum (journeyman QB and see above), Ryan Mallet (NFL free agent), Tom Savage (NFL free agent), Brian Hoyer (currently backup for Indianapolis Colts), T.J. Yates (offensive assistant for Houston Texans), Brandon Weeden (NFL free agent), B.J. Daniels (quarterback for Seattle Dragons of XFL), and  Brock Osweiler (retired). If Watson did not come along, Hopkins may have been forgotten by everyone except fantasy owners, and Houston fans. It’s unfortunate, because no matter how good a wide receiver might be, if the passer can’t provide a decent pass, the wideout will never be able to fully display his talents.

There are two ways that McLaurin can be saved. The first is if Dan Snyder steps down/sells the team as the owner of the Redskins and, hence, Bruce Allen leaves. This seems as likely as Donald J. Trump actually having bone spurs to avoid the Vietnam War (yep, he is a coward as well as a traitor). The only other option is having some other NFL team rescue McLaurin. Although The Cornercube doesn’t like the Patriots, it does like to see good players excel.  Hopefully Bill Belichick can work his magic and somehow swindle the Redskins with a seventh round pick for McLaurin … and, believe it or not, if there were to be a franchise to be swindled that terribly, the Redskins would be the franchise to do it.

 

The ACC Coastal is Flooded With Awfulness

The Atlantic Coast Conference is atrocious! The conference is filled with sub-par teams, outright disappointments, one lost soul, and one super power. Without Clemson, the super power of the conference, it could be argued that the entire conference be relegated to the “Group of Five”. Frankly, the Coastal Division (which consists of seven of the fourteen teams in the ACC) is essentially a basket of disappointment and unpredictability, and because of that, mediocrity produces entertainment.

Other than Georgia Tech, which is the dumpster fire of not only the Coastal Division but the entire conference, the Coastal Division is very much up for grabs. There isn’t one team who is undefeated in league play and no team has more than four wins upon reaching the midpoint of the 2019 season. There is currently a three-way tie for first place in the division (Duke, North Carolina, and Virginia) and in turn, a chance at being the sacrificial lamb to Clemson’s buzz saw during the ACC Conference Championship game in Charlotte.

The Coastal Division has been a crap shoot for nearly a decade. A good tavern trivia question would be when was the last time an ACC Coastal Division Team won the ACC Conference in football? The answer would be the 2010 season when Virginia Tech knocked off Florida State. Now, in more recent times, the conference champion is exclusively from the Atlantic Division and, if it wasn’t for the Jameis Winston years at Florida State, the champion is almost exclusively Clemson. According to vegasinsider.com, in the past decade less than half of all the ACC Championship Games had a line less than or equal to a touchdown.  This  seems to be accurate as from 2008 to 2018 the Championship game has been decided by more than a touchdown six times.

Obviously, it is a hasty generalization to suppose that a division of a conference is inadequate due to its lack of conference championships. Usually each conference is dominated by a few schools in the division. For instance, in the Big Ten the usual contenders for the conference crown are Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State (all from the East Division). Though one of these teams usually achieves the Big Ten Championship, it isn’t as like they face little to no competition from the West. On the contrary, the ACC Costal has been decreasing in the amount of top 25 teams since its peak in 2009 when it had three top 25 teams at the end of the year. The Coastal cratered last year when the division failed to crack the Top 25 – it’s looking to repeat such a feat in 2019.

The reasoning for such poor performances can be attributed to mixture of two components. The first being players. The other is coaching and coaching turnover. If recruiting was the issue, it would be easy to presume that the Coastal Division teams would routinely be unable to enter the top half of the ACC’s yearly recruiting rankings. According to rivals.com, a website that focuses on college football and basketball recruiting, there has never been a year in which the Atlantic Division outnumbered the Coastal Division in terms of making the top half of the conference’s recruiting rankings. Actually, eight of these eleven years there were an equal number of Atlantic Division and Coastal Division teams in the top half, while the other three years there were four Coastal Division teams to two Atlantic Division Teams. There is no doubt that the recruiting classes may vary drastically even within the top half of the conference, but there is reason to believe, especially the years in which the Coastal Division had better recruiting classes than the Atlantic, such as 2009, 2011, and 2014, that the Coastal Division would be able to produce more top 25 teams. This appears not to be the case. The years proceeding both 2009 and 2011 failed to garner the Coastal Division more than one team to reach the Top 25.  Only in the years immediately proceeding the 2014 season was the Coastal Division able to muster 2 teams to reach the Top 25. In other words, the failure of the Coastal Division, especially the teams that routinely ranked in the top six in terms of the conference recruiting rankings (Miami and Virginia Tech), is not the players’ fault but more so the coaches’ inability to utilize the talent that they have acquired.

Three of the four newly hired ACC head coaches were hired for teams in the Coastal Division. Miami, who on paper looked to be the most talented team in the division, hired their former defensive coordinator, Manny Diaz. Diaz was hired after Miami’s previous head coach, Mark Richt, abruptly departed after three seasons with the team.  Ironically Diaz accepted to be the head coach at Temple, but two weeks later quickly turned around and returned to Miami to takeover the reigns. Mack Brown, the former longtime head coach of Texas and also ESPN College Football Analyst, returns to his previous employer by becoming the head coach of the University of North Carolina again (he was there previously from 1988 to 1997). Geoff Collins is the new head coach of Georgia Tech and with his creative recruiting techniques he hopes to get Georgia Tech moving in the right direction. Virginia Tech’s head coach, Jeff Fuente, became the ACC Coach of the Year in his first year at the school by going 10-4 and winning the Coastal Division. However, that may be the high-water mark of his tenure at Virginia Tech due to each proceeding season becoming bleaker.

The Coastal Division is now this pathetic, self-indulgent cluster of universities which whenever they face disappointment, rely on romanticizing their past instead of coming to the reality that they stink. Every time a Miami fan throws up the “U”, or whenever a Hokie relishes the days of its long time head coach, Frank Beamer, it’s  hard to resist comparing their expression to a Cincinnati Reds’ pre-game “pump up” promo in which 95% consists of the Big Red Machine (i.e. highlights nearly half a century old). It’s great to remember the past, but it’s even more important to understand what made that past glorious and to use those same strategies in the present.