The 2019 Browns' Chronicles: Week 1 and Week 2

Ladies and gentlemen the Browns’ Chronicles are back! That’s right. The people here at The Cornercube are grateful to be your guiding hand as we, the Browns faithful, endeavor on this soap opera of a journey that is called, The Cleveland Browns 2019 Football Season.

As many of you know, the Browns 2019 campaign objectives have changed drastically in comparison to the previous campaign’s objective (noticed how I used objective in its singular form.  That’s because 2018’s goal was to win A game). With the addition of Odell Beckham Jr., Sheldon Richardson, and Olivier Vernon in the offseason, coupled with the immensely talented Jarvis Landry, Denzel Ward, Nick Chubb, Myles Garret and promising quarterback, Baker Mayfield, expectations were reasonably set at a higher bar. I’m talking a bar that Browns fans haven’t seen since the 2002 – playoffs. Now, reaching the playoffs is a long-term goal. It obviously doesn’t happen over night as the NFL season is a sixteen-game affair, and I’m sure most of our readers’ blood pressure can attest to that fact, but it’s also important to have short term goals.

A short-term goal that seemed attainable was something that has not been done by the Browns since 2004. That is to win their season opening game. The Tennessee Titans were thought to be the Browns’ sacrificial lamb to end the fifteen-year drought. This makes total sense and was not a wide-eyed immaculate fantasy, made up by some blogger oozing away in his cube. No, the Titans were a team that most resembled a chicken with its head cut off. Yes, the Titans had three consecutive winning seasons, but that’s because the Titans are playing in a division with three other headless chickens! When a team’s depth chart consists of Marcus Mariota at quarterback, then trades for Ryan Tannehill, and Mariota still maintains his starting job, not even the French in World War II could have made a more symbolic gesture of surrender. The Browns had this in their sights; they had it within reach, and they had the better players on both sides of the ball, but they failed to win.  

They failed to win because, and as you know, they committed eighteen penalties for almost 200 yards. The Browns had more total yards, more time of possession, and more passing yards. However, the Browns were inefficient on third down, mainly because penalties backed us up and made the third downs unreasonable – plus the offensive line was atrocious. First, it obviously did not help that Greg Robinson was ejected in the first quarter for attempting to imitate Jaden Smith from the Karate Kid by kicking Titan’s defender Kenny Vaccaro in the head. Secondly, other than JC Tretter and Joel Bitonio, the offensive line looked like a human version of the New Orleans’ levies being demolished by Hurricane Katrina. Such poor performance led to Baker Mayfield getting sacked five times for a loss of 41 yards.

The other issue seemed to be the play calling. It might be with the new-found talent at the wide receiver position, but it just seemed that the Browns were trying to force these long passes which inevitably failed. On a third and one in the second quarter, at midfield, the Browns took a fifty-yard pass instead of trying to gain a yard on the ground. Although The CornerCube only has experience playing “Madden” and not real life football, it seems that if a team has a poor offensive line but talented receivers, that short, quick passes, may be the recipe for success. If the players with the most talent on the field can work in space, then yards will be picked up after the catch. The Browns attempting these deep passes are recipes for short duration, stalled drives.

The Browns second game against the Jets was a vast improvement over their opening game debacle, but there were still areas to improve. Again, the play calling focused on deep passes instead of simple, quick passes to Odell or Jarvis. However, when a short pass was called in the third quarter, Odell was able to take it 89 yards for a touchdown. That should be the mentality for the rest of the season – West Coast style of play. The defense looked good other than Myles Garrett committing two personal fouls and one which sidelined the Jets backup-turned-starter, Trevor Siemian, after their usual starter, Sam Darnold, caught mononucleosis which, considering he plays for New York, was probably given to him by a life size subway rat, more so than any Manhattan prostitute (we aren’t doctors or medical personnel so don’t take that as fact, but rather just laugh at the joke. Thank you.). The sole threat posed to the Browns by the Jets was from their stellar running back, Le’Veon Bell. However, Bell’s former romantic partner and baby mama, may be causing him some mental distractions as she is now posting about her all not so inconspicuous relationship with the “all too famous for the wrong reasons” Patriot’s receiver, Antonio Brown. The Cornercube was unable to corroborate whether this truly did play into Le’Veon’s performance, but nonetheless, The Cornercube thanks you Cherise for your poor choices, possibly causing a distraction to the father of your kid(s)!

Overall the Browns won a game that they should have won, and they did it convincingly, but there are noticeable issues that must be fixed if the Browns are going to make an attempt at making the playoffs. The Cornercube hopes they can correct these issues before they go on national television against the defending NFC Champions, Los Angeles Rams.

Should Will Smith's Characters be Viewed as Creeps?

Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom. Alex “Hitch” Hitchens is the founder of that infallible, romantic, endearing quote, and, yet, most people are confused as to who is Mr. Hitchens. The actor, Will Smith, played Mr. Hitchens in the 2006 romantic/comedy film called, Hitch. In that movie Smith acted as this cool, collective, “love coach” who assisted clumsy (and extremely white) Kevin James win the lady of his dreams, but at the same time struggles to use his own talents to win his very own romantic preference, played by Eva Mendes. Although Mr. Hitchens is no longer found in theatres, but rather lost to late night cable TV, he still seeps through the cracks of all of Will Smith’s characters.

Will Smith is as much Mr. Hitchens as Mr. Hitchens is Will Smith. In every Will Smith movie he is paired with a lavish and younger actress to play his romantic partner. Below is a “back of envelope” table illustrating each Will Smith movie in which he engaged in a romantic relationship, the actress’ name,  current age, and the age difference between them.

Will Smith's Women
Movie Title	Smith's Age	Actress' Name	Actress' Age	Age Difference
Bad Boys	51.00	Tea Leoni	53	-2.00
Independence Day	51.00	Vivica A. Fox	55	-4.00
Men In Black II	51.00	Rosario Dawson	40	11.00
Bad Boys II	51.00	Gabrielle Union	46	5.00
I, Robot	51.00	Bridget Monynaham	48	3.00
Hitch	51.00	Eva Mendes	45	6.00
Pursuit of Happyness	51.00	Thandie Newton	47	4.00
I am Legend	51.00	Alice Braga Moraes	36	15.00
Hancock	51.00	Charlize Theron	44	7.00
Focus	51.00	Margot Robbie	29	22.00
Collateral Beauty	51.00	Naomie Harris	43	8.00
Aladdin	51.00	Nasim Pedrad	38	13.00

 

The above data discloses, for the most part, that although Smith is typically older than his paired love interest, he is not significantly older. However, there are a few outliers and these outliers should not go without remark. Men in Black II is the first instance in which Will Smith’s love affair with considerably younger actresses occurs. Rosario Dawson is portrayed as Laura Vasquez, a young woman disguised as a pizzeria waitress but really the alien princess from the planet of Zartha. Smith’s attraction is so powerful towards this extraterrestrial royalty that he refuses to neuralyze her, to erase her memories from his investigation of an alien crime scene that occurred on earth at Laura’s work.

The issue with this example is that albeit Dawson is eleven years junior to Smith, her character is not human, but rather disguised as human. Can a human love an alien? It’s a philosophical question for the ages and one which the good people at CornerCube cannot accurately dig into as the only hint that Smith has attraction for Dawson is in but this short scene. Mr. Hitchens might have been won over by E.T.’s aunt, but the evidence lacks the necessary validity to prove that the pairing was, and that the love was “creepy.” It may have been just a mere awing moment of a woman’s, er … alien’s beauty.

The next example occurs in the post-apocalyptic/vampire world adventure called I am Legend. In this book adapted into screenplay Smith plays the lone survivor named, Dr. Neville. Neville along with his dog, Sam, must survive in a world full of vampires. So, suffice to say that Neville is surprised to have been saved by Anna (played by Alice Braga Moraes, who is a decade and half Smith’s junior) and a young child, Ethan. Anna and Neville’s relationship never gets as intense or romantic as others but considering that Neville and Anna may be the only humans left and considering that it has been some time since Neville has seen another human, let alone female, it wouldn’t be surprising for him to have felt some sort of romantic affinity. Furthermore, Anna serves bacon to Neville the morning after he is saved. This sign of gratuity, thoughtfulness, and kindness may just be that – an act of kindness – but it may also be Anna’s way of attempting to court Neville. Afterall, in a post-apocalyptic world where survival matters more than jewels, bacon, the crown jewel of all basic meats, might be worth far more than a diamond necklace.   Based off that projection, it is worth believing that Anna had feelings for Neville.  So Cornercube has decided that with Smith nearing the legal driving age by the time Moraes exited her mother’s womb, it has been determined that this possible flirtation is borderline disturbing.

Absent any explicit romance between Smith and Moraes, there is evidence that Smith’s character, Neville, did have previous romantic feelings for his wife, Zoe Neville (played by Salli Richardson who is 2 years Smith’s senior), who died in the vampire apocalypse. Flashbacks allow the viewer to understand, without doubt, that Neville was in love with Zoe, so much so that they conceived a child, Marley (played, ironically, by Smith’s actual daughter, Willow Smith. Got to love nepotism!), another apocalypse victim.  Upon realizing that Smith’s character had a relatively romantic relationship, and that Anna is the only other female human he has seen in ages, Smith deserves some leniency on the “creep” factor.

However, a pass cannot be given to the romantic relationship in the 2015 movie called, Focus. Two con artists engage in a tit for tat romantic relationship in order to elevate their own criminal careers. Eventually they work so closely together that they can’t help but conjure up, not a fake, but real love for each other. This would be fine if Smith (who plays the veteran con-man named, Nicky) and Margot Robbie (who plays the novice con-woman, Jess) weren’t over two decades apart in age.  Smith’s children, Jaden and Willow, are closer in age to Margot Robbie than their father is. Robbie, born in 1990, is only 8 years older than Jaden and a decade older than Willow. Will is 22 years older than Robbie, which would make him cast better as Margot Robbie’s father, than the sexual companion she portrays in Focus. And that’s the disturbing part of this entire analysis.

In each of the above examples there was never any sexual engagement between the characters, it was simply a “tinge” of romance. Yet in the movie in which Smith has the largest age gap (Focus), he is required to act as though his character and Robbie’s had coitus. Further, in the other movie examples there were at least plausible excuses. Men In Black II was a romance with a disguised alien (extraterrestrials are in their own league! Who are we to judge?) and I am Legend was a post-apocalyptic.  There is a very real possibility that if the human race wanted to continue, then Smith and Moraes would have to become the second coming of Adam and Eve.  But in regard to Focus, Cornercube has no choice but to grade this film “extremely creepy.” Its setting is not some desperate time period in which humanity’s future existence rests on their sole lives, nor is Robbie even close to being alien. Instead what we have here are two con artists who use their wits to seduce each other no matter the level of insincerity and highly unlikely chance that the relationship should blossom.

In his most recent movie Smith plays the gigantic, extremely muscular, and smooth-talking genie in Aladdin. Not only was Smith able to achieve the favorable gaze of princess Jasmine’s handmaid (played by Nasim Pedrad, who 13 years Smith’s junior), but he was still able to accomplish this after Nasim’s character saw him as the genie! Of course, Smith would come into human form when surrounded by other humans, so not to reveal his true identity.  So Nasim’s initial attractiveness is like that in Focus. Yet because Smith has aged, he shows tints of grey in his signature goatee, that not even CGI was able to erase. This noticeable piece of maturity cast against the young looking 36-year-old Nasim is again unsettling. However, because this is a Disney movie it never reaches the pinnacle of awkwardness or obscenity as that of Focus. Further, Nasim, after seeing and learning that Smith is a giant BLUE genie, does not retreat from her previous level of attractiveness towards her lava lamp like Prince Charming, but rather continues to pursue him. Nasim’s persistence and nonjudgmental attitude might be a subtle undertone that Disney developed – do not judge love based on looks. On the other hand, it may be perfectly acceptable that Nasim’s character, who has been locked away, dressing, organizing, and executing every deed that the princess asks, is attracted to the first man who approaches her – even if that man is a giant blue, lamp like genie.

So why are the good people at CornerCube the first to conjure up the absurdity in Will Smith’s romantic film partners? It may be because that people really don’t care. They know Will Smith and they figure that if the absurdity isn’t a central theme in the film, then no need to let it question their minds as they let their mouths fill with overly buttered popcorn and their eyes stare into the great magnificence that is the silver screen. The other and the more sincere response may be that “love is love.” Age differences in mature/legal relationships shouldn’t matter (unless of course you are speaking of a Jeff Epstein like age difference, then it is extremely disgusting, not to mention criminal). Yet, this idea is well suited and easy to swallow like all change over time. The audience can only learn about the characters within a two-hour time span and within that interval thoughts, ideas, and prejudices develop without being fully exonerated because the exoneration must take more than the time allotted in the movie.

However, the most likely answer for why Will Smith continues to be paired with actresses, in a romantic role and who are substantially younger than he is, is  because of the sitcom Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That show not only made Will Smith, but it made all adolescent American males want to be like Will Smith – physically gifted, smooth talking, morally upstanding, and a forgivably young American male. Will was the coolest guy in the show and made those around him feel cool. He had the ability to  protect the rich upper crust of Bel Air, while also speaking jive to his buddies from Philly. Mr. Hitchens, from Hitch, isn’t a new character but just an older Will from Fresh Prince. The genie, Agent J (from Men in Black), and Nicky (the smooth-talking conman in Focus) are just variations of Will from Fresh Prince, tailored to suit each of the aforementioned films. Will Smith today also hasn’t changed all that much physically from the Fresh Prince Will. He has aged gracefully, permitting him to get by being paired with younger women. How long will this last? Who knows? What we do know is that: any man can sweep any woman off her feet, as long as that man is Will Smith.