The Jets are to the NFL, What Trump is to the American People - Awful

The question in writing this wasn’t “where to begin,” but rather what not to include? The New York Jets’ history is a litany of disgraceful events. Even when they describe their most glorious player, quarterback Joe Namath, they can’t help but avoid his short-lived stardom. “His physical talents on the field helped improve the Jets' fortunes, leading them to victory over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. Though injuries hampered the latter part of Namath's career. . ..”

So, the place to begin is the beginning when in 1959 Harry Wismer was granted a franchise for a professional football team in New York. Wismer, following the big city mantra of “bigger must be better” named his football team “the Titans of New York” because “titans were bigger and stronger than giants.”    Wismer failed to notice one thing larger than a titan, and that was the laden of debt with which he was able to encumber his Titans. So within four years, and just when the Titans learned to walk, they were nearly suffocated by the person who had given them their first breath – Harry Wismer. Thankfully, in addition to an abundance of rats, New York doesn’t lack for rich white old guys walking around. In 1963 Wismer’s insolvent franchise would be purchased by a group of “old, rich, white guys” led by Sonny Werblin.

Werblin was a classic example of a man who lived the American dream. Werblin’s father was able to find and run an extremely successful paper-bag company. From there Sonny took on his father’s entrepreneurial spirit and started working as an agent for the Music Corporation of America, eventually founding its television division. Sonny was an amorally upstanding businessman, in that he was able to grow the television division by ignoring and breaking nearly every antitrust law.

Having experience in the entertainment business, Sonny decided that upon buying the Titans he needed to stamp his “image” on them. As a result, he changed the Titans’ colors to Kelly green and white, because Werblin was born on St. Patrick’s Day (ironically, Werblin was Jewish) and wanted that to be known. He further changed the team’s name from Titans to Jets. There are two possibilities for this. The first is because the name “Jets” rhymed with the professional baseball team, with whom the Jets then shared Shea stadium with, called the “Mets.” The other possibility is that Shea stadium was so close to LaGuardia airport that Werblin thought of the name “Jets.” Personally, if you consider that NFL team names would only get less creative as time went on (Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, etc.) I give Mr. Werblin a lot of credit for picking a relatively obvious, but not generic football team name. However, Werblin is most famous for signing what still is, after over half a century, the Jets’ most famous player – Joe Namath.

Now at this point it may appear that the tide is turning for the Jets and that with the Joe Namath signing he will lead the Jets on to dynasties that resemble those of the Steel Curtain. However, Namath was and still is the Jets’ high-water mark. Let that sink in. The Jets’ high-water mark was obtained within their first decade of being a franchise – 1969. In that year Joe Namath would defeat the Baltimore Colts, who were favored in Super Bowl III, which is also the Jets’ only Super Bowl win and appearance. The uglier part is the man who lured Namath to the AFL and not the NFL in 1965, by offering Namath a $427,000 guaranteed contract, wouldn’t even get the pleasure of hoisting the Super Bowl trophy. That is because if there is anything rich, white men hate more than alimony payments, is other rich, old, white men. “His partners, including Leon Hess, the chairman of the Amerada Hess Corporation, had become so miffed at all the attention paid to Mr. Werblin that they bought him out before the start of the 1968 season, paying him $1.2 million for a share that had cost him $250,000.”

Yep, New York finally had the owner they needed, but like typical New York, they ousted him right when the going was getting good. Leon Hess would become the next owner. Just as Namath’s career would descend into mediocracy and injuries, the Jets franchise would also bottom out into a giant mound of draft busts, ridiculous coaching hires, and repeated heartaches and headaches.

The draft busts are well documented. There was Blair Thomas a star running back out of Penn State, drafted in 1990 with the second overall pick. Blair lasted four years with the Jets and only mustered 2,009 yards and just six touchdowns. By 1996 Blair was out of the NFL, and the former Heisman – runner-up is now the proud owner of several sports bars called, “KoKoMos.” Then, of course, there was the defensive tackle from Ohio State, Vernon Gholston. Gholtson failed to record a sack and was released from the Jets after his third year in the league. Last checked, in 2015 Gholston was trying to make an NFL comeback but for now he will go down as another Jets bust. The list goes on. What is remarkable is the very fact that under the Jets’ Wikipedia page there is a section dedicated to their first-round draft picks, but even this section discusses more about the Jets’ terrible selections than their good picks. 

I mean even Mark Sanchez’s ability to lead the Jets to two AFC Championship games wasn’t enough to make him memorable. Sanchez’s notoriety only became prevalent when he was able to perform this unique, and never again tried, maneuver called, “the butt fumble.”

Then, of course, the Jets have their litany of exotic head coaches. In the 1990’s it appeared that coaches were either joining the Jets to get revenge on a previous team or were taking a head coaching post somewhere else to get back at the Jets. For instance, Bill Belichick was named the New York Jets head coach at the start of the 1997 season. However, that would only last six days, as the Jets really wanted Belichick’s teacher – Bill Parcells. In a complicated and emotional dispute, Parcells wanted out of New England and the Jets wanted to hire Parcells. The only issue was that Parcells was still under contract in New England and, for obvious reasons, did not want Parcells going to a divisional rival. In turn, the Jets, being their conniving selves, thought that they would just hire Parcells as an “advisor to football operations” and Belichick, Parcells’ top assistant, would be the head coach. In the end, Belichick was hired as the Jets’ head coach, but that would only last for six days. The NFL would broker a deal in which the Jets received Parcells and New England received monies as well as draft picks from the Jets. Belichick was named as an assistant, but he would later receive the last laugh as Parcells would abdicate his throne at the end of the 2000 season. Parcells named Bill Belichick as his head coach, and in true Jets fashion within 24 hours Belichick said he was quitting as the New York Jets head coach. Belichick’s reasoning? "There are a lot of unanswered questions here. I have been concerned about it since Leon Hess (the former owner) died (in May). I had no clear direction of where I am going in the organization."

As much disdain as I have for Bill Belichick, his quote is spot on. Actually, this quote is so good I don’t think there is any reason for me to even attempt to digest and regurgitate the laughable other head coaching hires, such as the obnoxious blow hard Rex Ryan, or the amorphous and at times oblivious Todd Bowles. Not to mention the fact that the Jets were prevented from getting their own stadium in New York City due to other fellow New Yorkers not wanting them.  In turn, the Jets were forced to be the tenants to their fellow city rival, the New York Giants.

No, Belichick sums up exactly what we have all known – no matter how good the money might seem, how bright the lights might be shining, or how passionate the fans – New York sports franchises are like the New York President the U.S. currently has – a dope. The owners of the New York Jets and their personnel departments house such an immense capacity for boneheadness, utter stupidity, and incompetence that it’s remarkable any of them can find their ways home from the stadium. The fact of the matter is that I am not the first to write about this, and I am surely not the last. Just this week the Jets hired former divisional rival, head coach – Adam Gase – as the new Jets head coach! Adam Gase was just fired by the Dolphins for earning the title of being the leader of the team with the second worse offense and fourth worse defense in the NFL.

However, like Trump, the most amazing part isn’t that the Jets are able to make these kinds of blatantly, absurd, groundless, and, at times, malicious mistakes, but it is the fact that they ignore everyone telling them that it is a mistake. The Jets are like that actor in a horror movie who shouldn’t open the door because the serial killer is standing outside, and everyone in the audience knows the actor shouldn’t open the door, but the actor still does. The difference is that the actor has to in order to keep the movie going, whereas the Jets ownership is supposed to be trying to make the nightmare end. Yet they keep opening the door, not of a serial killer, but of stupidity. Secondly, the actor can’t hear the crowd telling him not to open the door, but the Jets live in the media capital of the world. The Jets owners at any time could flip on a T.V., get on the internet, or stop by a newspaper booth and they would see an article telling them that Adam Gase is not the man to hire. However, and this must be a special New Yorker gift, they still have the ability to block out all criticism/ignore good advice. This isn’t a compliment because both the President and Jets ownership are just nosediving their respective constituents (voters/fans) into complete obliteration. Out of shear willfulness and arrogance they continue to cling to the notion that by doing the same thing over and over again, that they will get different results.  The simple truth is these New York big shots commonly and routinely mistake their abundant insanity for faux omnipotence. No one can tell them otherwise.  Just the history books they’ll never read.

Tools of the NFL: Marcus Peters

If I were to mention the 2014 Washington Huskies Football Team, what would come to your mind? If you are an average football fan, I presume probably nothing. On the other hand, if you are a little more than an average football fan, you probably will recall the 2014 offseason more so than the actual season. The 2014 offseason saw the abrupt departure of Washington’s then head coach, Steve Sarkisian, to become the head coach of fellow PAC-12 conference foe – USC. Then again, you may very well be a hyper-active football fan or may be an alumnus from the University of Washington and therefore would most likely remember the birth of what would become one of the greatest Tools to ever play on the gridiron – Marcus Peters.

On September 6, 2014 Marcus Peters made what would have been a rather mundane game between Eastern Washington University (a I-AA powerhouse) and Washington into one of the greatest spectacles of pure stupidity in all of sport. The score was 44-38, Washington led, and Eastern Washington had the ball in the third-quarter. On third down Eastern Washington’s quarterback dropped back to pass, but was sacked by Washington’s defensive player, Shaq Thompson. In a typical situation this would have forced Eastern Washington to have to punt the ball, but with Marcus Peters on the field it’s always best to assume and prepare for the irrational. Almost immediately after Thompson made the sack, Peters decided to head-butt an Eastern Washington receiver. Instantaneously, Marcus Peters was awarded an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty for his idiotic act. This resulted in Eastern Washington receiving a first down and would eventually lead to an Eastern Washington scoring a touchdown, putting them ahead 45-44.

However, Peters’ tantrum wasn’t over yet, as he took it upon himself to argue with assistant coaches on the sideline. At one point in his arguing Peters thought it was best to throw his helmet and gloves to the ground. In turn, Chris Petersen, head coach and unknowingly full-time babysitter of the University of Washington football team, benched Peters for the remainder of the game. After the game it was decided that Peters would be suspended for the coming week’s game against the University of Illinois.

The Marcus Peters soap opera would continue throughout the 2014 season. The episode finale came after Peters had another sideline outburst with his assistant coaches during a game against Colorado. That ensuing Thursday, November 6, coach Chris Petersen dismissed Marcus Peters from the team after Peters engaged in another outburst with a coach during Wednesday’s practice. However, Coach Petersen “defended” his former player by stating that no single mistake led to Peters being dismissed from the team, but for multiple reasons. “It’s never one thing. We’re not going to dismiss a guy because it’s one thing.”

In Peters’ defense how else was he supposed to carry himself? He was ranked as a first-round 2015 NFL draft pick, ranked the number 22 top NFL prospect on ESPN’s Mel Kiper’s big board, and was Washington’s only veteran cornerback on the team. Personally, I think we were asking too much from Peters. How was he supposed to know that head-butting a player when the play was over was a penalty and, better yet, what future first round draft pick is to receive constructive criticism from assistant coaches? The answer is easy – no one. Peters had every right to make himself look like a complete and incompetent fool, while presumably letting down his fellow teammates by succumbing to his own adolescent and tyrannical tirades, which would lead to his dismissal and leave his teammates with a weaker defensive backfield.

There was one thing going for Peters: he was applying for a job with the one employer where employees are permitted to get away with violent outbursts, sideline screaming matches, and indecent acts that only could be fathomed by those who walk as though they are entitled divas – The National Football League.

Peters made sure to let everyone know, specifically the NFL teams who may be looking to draft him, that he has learned from his mistakes and that he will grow from them. However, in order to learn from one’s past mistakes, one needs to be able to admit to what those mistakes were. SBNation reported, in a February 2015 interview with Peters, that Peters was unable to say what mistakes he made, but wanted it to be known that the report of him choking a University of Washington assistant football coach was false. However, don’t worry, Peters, later in the interview, made it be known that he takes “full responsibility of what happened” at Washington, even if he can’t recall what those mistakes were. This same act of “apologize but refuse to assume responsibility” was used by former attorney general Jeff Sessions when he was being interviewed by the House of Representatives, regarding him lying under oath during his confirmation hearings. Ironically the strategy worked in both situations – Jeff Sessions wouldn’t be found for perjury (even though he lied) and Marcus Peters would be drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs with the 18^th overall pick of the 2015 NFL Draft.

In Peters’ rookie and sophomore NFL seasons it appeared that his past troubles were in the rearview mirror. It was remarkable - Peters learned from the mistakes that he couldn’t recall making. In 2015 he made the NFL Pro Bowl, led the NFL in interceptions for that year, and also received the NFL Defensive Rookie of The Year. In 2016, Peters again was named to the Pro Bowl and was named NFL first-team All-Pro.

However, if Peters’ Wikipedia page continued like this, I would never have embarked on this blog.

Then the year of our Lord two thousand and seventeen rolled around. This is the year that Marcus Peter found himself, or I should say, reverted to his old ways. In a game against divisional rival, Oakland Raiders, Peters instigated the team benches to be cleared due to Peters committing an unnecessary roughness penalty on Raiders’ quarterback, Derek Carr. The hit caused several Raiders to go after Peters and, subsequently, Peters was fined by the NFL for $9,115 (a remarkably low figure in terms of NFL fines are concerned). Of course, in Peters’ defense there was some ambiguity if Peters’ hit was truly “unnecessary” or if Carr was acting as a runner.  As Kansas City’s head coach, Andy Reid, said while defending Peters’, “that was a quarterback draw. Once you do that, you’re declared a runner until that whistle blows. So he was playing. I’m not gonna knock him for that.”

Let’s give Peters the benefit of the doubt on the aforementioned incident. However, what isn’t ambiguous is Peters’ second incident. In early December the Kansas City Chiefs traveled to New York in a game against the Jets. In a Jets’ two-point conversion attempt, Kansas City Chief’s cornerback, Steve Nelson, was called for defensive holding. Peters seeing that the flag was thrown near his feet decided to pick up the flag and throw it into the stands. This resulted in another penalty flag to be thrown due to Peters’ unsportsmanlike conduct. Peters than, without being told or directed by coaches or referees, headed straight to the locker room. Ironically, and as admirable as Peters’ self-imposed exile appeared, his unsportsmanlike penalty, by rule, does not warrant the player to be ejected from the game. So, in an act of embarrassment the Chiefs sent some lackey into the visitor’s locker room to retrieve their once star studded cornerback, who was presumably drawing a bath for himself.  Peters would eventually return to the game, but without any socks on. Essentially this moment of Peters’ career is equivalent to when Brittany Spears melted down and completely shaved her head.

Ironically Peters’ self-imposed exile, which although to him may have seemed like he was acting as a martyr, would result in Peters receiving even more disciplinary action from the Chiefs. Andy Reid would suspend Peters for one game without pay because “[Peters] left the field of play while the game was on.” However, and as mentioned before, Peters’ suspension was only “partially” due to his outburst in the Jets game, but also because “Peters and  an assistant coach got into an argument on the way to the airport after the game against the Jets.”

So, let’s pause, how would anyone have known that Peters would dare to engage in arguments with assistant coaches or even draw unsportsmanlike conduct penalties? He never showed those tendencies in college. Right? Of course, even if he did commit those types of antics, they only resulted in him being kicked off the team. Plus, he claimed to have taken full responsibility for his actions even though he couldn’t recall or name them. So obviously in the Chiefs’ defense, they were never put on adequate notice that Peters would conduct himself so amateurishly.

The Chiefs would eventually cut their losses and traded Peters, along with a sixth-round draft pick, to the Los Angeles Rams. In exchange, the Chiefs received a 2018 fourth round pick and a 2019 second round pick.

Peters’ career with the Rams would resemble that in which he started with the Chiefs – relatively effective (less so with the Rams than Chiefs) and quiet. This would take a turn for the worse when in a Sunday night loss to the Eagles, Peters decided to engage the crowd again, but this time he was not throwing projectiles at the fans but decided to encounter the spectators a little more directly. A video captured Peters walking from the Rams’ bench “and part of the way up a short stairway that separates the field from the seating area.”

It was unclear what exactly Peters said, but his talk looks to be more of a confrontation than a friendly conversation about the weather. Although it seems that Rams’ head coach, Sean McVay, is taking a new parenting method (sorry. I meant coaching method) to deal with Peters’ inability to control his emotions.  It isn’t through handing out discipline, but rather, according to McVay, “along the lines of a discussion.”

As for Peters he looks to have finally learned his lesson after this incident. “’Aw, naw, it wasn’t nothin’, man.’ Peters said. ‘Just makin’ a little bit of fun with the people out there that be hecklin’ and stuff. It wasn’t nothin’. Don’t take it too personal.’”

Yep, sounds like Peters’ has it all under control, just like he always has.

And that’s a Tool, folks!

GO BROWNS!

 

Tools of The NFL - Issue 1: What Makes a Tool?

By: Kris Mead

Ever since the ever-popular Browns’ Chronicles took its end of season hiatus, I have received numerous pieces of fan mail asking me, no, begging me to tell them that I will be producing some periodical that will hold them over until the Browns’ Chronicles reappears. Don’t believe me? Look at a few of the emails that I have received:

Kris, just because football season is coming to an end doesn’t mean your writing has to take a break. Please give me something!! – Charles Ackerson, 56, Des Moines, IA

My boss, at work, asked me what I have done to become more productive. I immediately showed him The CornerCube. His response? He fired himself and gave me his job. – Jillian McCallister, 32, Jackson, MS

I thought my marriage was in ruins, but then I found your blog – CornerCube. Now, my wife and I will be renewing our vowels this Spring at Lake Tahoe. – Ta’Shon Wilburson, 45, Augusta, ME.

So as you can see, and this isn’t an overstatement, I had an enormous amount of pressure to make sure my next blog idea was not only going to be entertaining, but downright addicting. Initially, I had absolutely no idea, but then my sister called.

I appreciate my sister, she is not only my one sister, but she is my little sister too. Typically when she calls randomly it means one of two things. The first being, and the one I enjoy more, that she wants to go to Bob Evan’s for breakfast and the second being a guy she was seeing has broken it off with her. Typically when she calls about the latter she always starts with, “Kris, I would like a guy’s perspective” and then proceeds to describe how he won’t text her any longer, or doesn’t seem to be as interested as he previously (i.e. the previous week) claimed to be into her. The first few times I tried to gain these dudes’ perspectives, but each time I made that attempt, I continually failed to understand them. Of course, the obvious objection is the very fact that I have a bias towards my sister, so naturally, I will tend to see her side better than their side. However, after about the third time I realized that each of these dudes (and there were only like three that really come to mind) had similar physical and personable characteristics.

The physical traits are quite easy – typically these men are obsessed with their clothes and physique. In terms of physique I mean that they work out twice a day (strength training only), worship their pre-workout protein shake, routinely make an Instagram post about “leg day”,  extremely particular about their clothing lines (i.e. they seemed to always wear a shirt two sizes too small) and had “tough guy” tattoos (Bible verses that they wouldn’t be able to locate if you handed them a Bible, oriental language tats but they don’t know how to speak any foreign language and there is strong reason to believe they hardly know how to properly speak English. Furthermore, they most likely found the oriental phrase, which is now inscribed on their left rib cage for eternity, on the back of the fortune cookie they opened after consuming 40lbs of chicken fried rice because it was “cheat day”).

As for personable traits there are two that come to mind. The first is the fact that these guys quote Drake and Kanye lyrics as though they are quoting moral philosophers such as Rawls, Bentham or Mills (which just putting those three names with Kanye and Drake is a disgrace to the latters intelligence and the formers lack thereof). The second is the fact that they can’t cheer for losers. The best example is one dude, who has never been to California and has lived in Ohio his whole life, decided that he was a Golden State Warriors fan and not a Cleveland Cavaliers fan.

Lastly, they are simply indecisive and, honestly, cowards. They can’t decide what they want because deep down, they don’t know what they want. They routinely go through life constantly looking over their shoulder, trying to desperately gain the approval of all those around them by inflating, sculpting, and waxing their image. For their image is all they have and if you were to dig any deeper, well, you’d hit an empty mass of nothingness because they refuse to develop, or lack the ability to develop, anything further. They have spent endless hours chugging whey protein shakes, asking their moms for their credit card number so that they can get the latest Under Armor compression shorts, and so once their date inevitably dares to ask them something a little more meaningful, than the touchdown pass they threw their junior year of high school, they panic because, and to their detriment, that’s all they know. So frankly when the guy loses interest or refuses to contact the girl, he most likely realized just how utterly boring he is and became scared and so chose to run.

Now you may be saying this is an illogical fallacy and is a hasty generalization. That’s correct. Not everyone who played a sport or goes to the gym or wears extremely tight t-shirts or has tattoos is like this. If I were to make an assertion with that fervor of absolutism, I would be as naïve as the men I have just described in the previous paragraph.  However, this personality, primarily in males, is so prominent that the youths of today have defined this persona as a “Tool.” Urban Dictionary lists several definitions of what a “Tool” is. I have selected, what I think, is the best definition:

1.) A guy with a hugely over-inflated ego, who in an attempt to get un-due attention for himself, will act like a jackass, because, in his deluded state, he will think it's going to make him look cool, or make others want to be like him. The person may even insincerely apologize later on, but only in an attempt to get more attention, or to excuse his blatantly intentional, and unrepentantly tool-ish behavior.

So the key elements needed to make up a “Tool” are:

1. A guy

2. with an over inflated ego

3. which causes him to seek attention

4. because he believes it will make him look cool or cause people to be like him

That’s what the next blog series will be about, but in regard to the men who make up the NFL. I am not sure how many installments there will be or how often the issues will be published, but if I know one thing, unlike decent quarterback play, the NFL is in no shortage of Tools.

So whether you read one or you read all the installments of The Tools of the NFL, please be sure to click on the ads…because, well, we all have to pay rent somehow.

GO BROWNS!