2018 Browns' Chronicles: Week 4

By Kris Mead

This week’s loss could be summed up with a very simple take that my friend told me, “The refs screwed us, and it didn’t help that we shot ourselves in the foot.” So that’s essentially what this week’s chronicle will analyze: (1) how the refs robbed the Browns of a victory with two very bogus calls, one of which had no reasoning behind it and another that had very bogus reasoning behind it and (2) the Browns’ missed opportunities that would have allowed them to win the game. So, without further ado, let’s dig into the epic collapse, that is better known as the Browns!

1.       The Zebras. Let me first preface this point by advertising another blog I wrote that, ironically, is specifically about football refs called, Although Refs May Dress Like Zebras, They are Still Dumber. Okay now that I have that “self-marketing” segment out of the way I will proceed with violating one of the wholly sacraments of all of sport: "thou shall not blame thy refs when thou loses." That sacrament is for the very fact that if players refuse to respect the refs, then the game fails to be played in its proper nature. It is essentially like if the U.S. population chose not to follow a judge’s ruling, simply because it felt the judge was wrong. However, I think that the refs can be blamed for a loss the same way Seahawks fans blame Pete Carrol for choosing to throw the ball, rather than handing the ball off to Marshawn Lynch on fourth down at the Patriots’ 1-yard line, in the closing moments of Super Bowl XLIX (as many of you know the pass was picked off and the Patriots then won the Super Bowl).

So, the first blunder by the refs in the Browns v. Raiders game was the strip sack, which was blown dead. There is no consensus as to why this play was blown dead. It can only reasonably be determined to have been an inadvertent whistle (which is the ultimate cardinal sin a ref can commit). The refs could not suggest that Oakland quarterback Derek Carr’s arm was moving forward in a throwing motion, as he clearly had the ball held at his chest when it was stripped. Further, it can’t be said that he was down prior to the ball popping out, as the ball was clearly on the ground before Carr was toppled over. The issue that stings the worst in this referee blunder was the very fact that the ball was scooped up by a Browns’ defender, who would have waltzed into the end zone for a Browns’ touchdown. That would have not only put the Browns up even further, but any morale Oakland may have had, would have been severely depleted. In the ref’s defense, we all make mistakes, but some mistakes are worse than others. For instance, forgetting to copy someone on an email is usually a relatively inconsequential mistake, but that wasn’t what the ref did. Here the ref basically did the equivalent of a soldier opening fire on fellow comrades and only realizing he made a mistake after they are all either were killed or critically injured. In this case, the ref who blew the whistle most likely wished that he was dead right then and there. The reason for this is because good old Hue Jackson, who just last week got his second win in his over two-year stint with his Cleveland Browns, had a little pep in his step, a little swagger with his walk, if you will. So, Hue gave that ref an earful of most likely inaudible sounds.  That ref took it. One last note, before I move onto to the next ref blunder, the ref could breathe a sigh of relief that the inadvertent whistle went in the home team’s favor, because if the same whistle was blown in Cleveland, well, I would have provided a link to his obituary.

The next blunder occurred in the fourth quarter. Essentially the Browns just needed to pick up a first down, and, if they did so, they could just run out the clock on the Raiders. However, in Browns fashion, Carlos Hyde took the hand off and was awarded the first down. However, the NFL decided to do an official review. After, the analyst claimed the call probably would stand because there was not enough evidence to overturn the call on the field, the NFL does what it always does to Cleveland – screws us. The refs stated that Hyde was just short of the line to gain a first down and therefore it would be fourth down. So, Hue punted and the Raiders, with just over a minute left to play, were able to score a touchdown AND convert a two-point conversion, sending the game to overtime. What was interesting was the fact that after the game was over, and due to such uproar (justified uproar I might add) the NFL decided to come out with a statement that defended its refs. The NFL defending its refs is sometimes like a teacher’s union defending that teacher who everyone knows was a pedophile. So, the NFL came up with some outlandish quote about how they stitched together two angles in the NFL’s New York review headquarters, to determine the call, after stitching together these two views they then could overturn the call on the field. So basically, the NFL is saying, “please don’t question us because we have information that you don’t have (i.e. the stitched together sequence), but we aren’t going to provide you with that information, but still please take our word for it. Thanks.”

In a league which tries to provide the fans with every little field of view imaginable, it’s hard to imagine why they would not provide the fans with the same viewpoints the NFL officials apparently had. It baffles me. The NFL should, instead of treating these “secret” angels as some sort of top secret national security information, market it by partnering with Direct-TV. Together they could rip off their loyal Cheeto eating, Bud heavy drinking, slightly obese, half shaven, red neck American viewer by getting him to purchase the “Angle Package.” Yes, the Angles Package, which sounds like some sort of adult entertainment site, but will give that middle age man the same views the refs use in NFL headquarters to determine challenges. So not only did the privacy that these “secret views” carry cause me to once again see how outlandish and utterly dumb the NFL treats its viewers, but I also started to question which angles they were stitching, as the ref in the commentator booth said it was extremely unlikely that the call on the field would be overturned. So the NFL’s ambiguity caused me to think the NFL may have cameras that us viewers aren’t even privy to. My guess would be there must be some sort of micro cameras at every hash mark or, better yet, the Goodyear blimp is some sort of military style drone that can see every angle of the field.

However, as much as I kid, the NFL rather I come up with these dumb ideas, than question their truthfulness. For why would a business that dedicates a month to Breast Cancer, and every day to Veterans, convolute a game with hypocrisy? It’s because it is a business.  A sport can only be followed if people believe there is an equal chance that each team could win. For if that aura of fairness is sucked out of the sport, then it is no longer a sport, but it becomes what so many other enterprises are these days – gimmicks. It becomes nothing more than a magic trick in which the viewer is lured to view something happening in one place, so that he won’t notice something happening in the other. Now, I am not suggesting that the NFL is rigged, but I am suggesting that they will do everything possible to make sure that there can never be any doubt of fairness, even if that requires lying to keep their refs safe.

With all this turmoil in Washington this week regarding Brett M. “Keganaugh” claiming that he is being persecuted under some Democrat conspiracy, but at the same time claims he is a nonpartisan justice, it was a welcome respite to just tune into football. However, after seeing the lousy officiating in the NFL, followed by the NFL’s even lousier excuse for the bad calls, begs the question – are Americans really this easy to deceive? To put it more bluntly, are Americans really so dumb to drink whatever Kool-Aid is handed to them, not only from Washington, but the NFL too?

2.       Mistakes. This one is simple – catch the ball when it is thrown to you and play better defense.

America's Morals are Restored and Kavanaugh Collapses (Hopefully)

By Kris Mead

The level of straight face lying has reached an exorbitant level in the last two years. Just this past week America had a potential Supreme Court Judge, Brett Kavanaugh, refute his alleged claims of sexual assault against him by sharing with the Senate Judiciary Committee his high school calendars, which ironically, marked the days in which he planned to drink … underage. However, he was quick to note that he never drank “too much” and never had a lapse in memory from drinking (right …). What was even more amazing was the very fact that Americans, “hardworking Americans,” believed Brett over the alleged victim – Dr. Ford.

Ford has nothing to gain from making this accusation and providing her testimony to the Committee, other than providing the American people a fair assessment of Judge Kavanaugh’s character. Kavanaugh will not have any criminal charges pressed against him from Ford’s testimony and Ford will not receive any sort of civil award for damages.

One set of Americans who side with Brett Kavanaugh but must desperately fight their moral conscience to do so are women. These types of Americans seem to suggest defenses such as, “everyone does stupid things in high school” or “I wouldn’t want someone looking back 35 years into my past” are legitimate.   Their defenses don’t refute that Judge Kavanaugh committed sexual assault, but rather they try to rationalize committing sexual assault with say, “teepeeing Johnny’s house.” The latter is something that immature youths commit, while the former is an egregious act that is not only immoral and outright disgusting, but is a felony.

The other kind of defense that many Americans have used is to first rationalize Kavanaugh’s actions, and then, second, go after Dr. Ford’s credibility.  The first attack that Kavanaugh supporters use against Ford is the fact that, “why did something that happened 35 years ago, and was alleged to be so terrible, just now become public knowledge?” This attack demonstrates that the attacker lacks information about women who have been sexually assaulted and, more importantly, women who have been sexually assaulted by men who had resources (i.e. rich, white men). These victims tend not to report. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, in 2016 only 23 percent of victims of sexual assault or rape reported these incidents to authorities. The reasoning for not reporting is usually due to fear that the victim will experience retaliation, especially if the alleged perpetrator is well known or comes from a wealthy family. It was also found in a report by the Rape, Abuse, & Incest, National, Network (“RAINN”) that, between 2010-2014, out of every 1,000-sexual assault perpetrators, 994 walked free.

The other attack that they use against Ford is “she was probably drinking at the party and so was no angel either.” Yet this is again trying to rationalize attempted rape with underage drinking. If these linear thinking apologists were to actually listen to Dr. Ford’s extremely detailed testimony, they would  realize  she was not asking to have sex. Consensual sex does not typically require the man to place his hand over the woman’s mouth to stop her from screaming. Furthermore, consensual sex usually does not require the man to have to try and rip off the girl’s clothes.

So, there is ample reason why Ford did not come forward earlier.  Also, it wasn’t that Ford had never discussed this assault with anyone previously.  It was stated that in 2012 her counselor, whom she was seeing because of sexual assault experience, noted that Ford told her she was sexually assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in high school. Also, Ford told her husband in the same time. Ford repeated her claims in 2013 during a counseling session.

Finally, what these hearings have established are not only the partisanship and level of indecency that has engulfed the Republican Party (remember this was the party that was supporting a child molester for the open Senate seat in Alabama … luckily he lost … barely), but the white male privilege which has been in American politics since its onset.  Although it would appear that women have made strides in government, it still seems that with a flip of a switch white men can still force their will and do so unapologetically. Also, what is sickening, is the fact that the Republicans just need a simple majority to get their “guy” on the bench. The fact that they will refuse to withdraw Kavanaugh’s nomination and select another far-right judge is due to two fears. The first fear being that the Republicans would be politically embarrassed. In other words, by taking away Kavanaugh’s nomination, they would essentially be saying that, “yes, this guy is too far gone and we were wrong to select him.” The other issue is the Republicans are afraid that they may very well lose Congress in the midterms. So, by having to go through a whole new nomination process, they may not get Republican dominant hearing before the elections.

Both of those points only matter if the Republicans set aside their morals, which they haven’t done on numerous occasions. For if the Republicans listened to their morals, they would realize that Kavanaugh is a lying scum bag of a man. In his “firing” rebuke on Thursday Kavanaugh sounded like Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rush Limbaugh as he decided to claim that all these allegations were some sort of left wing conspiracy and a “Clinton revenge.” In Brett’s opening lines he displayed that he is not a neutral jurist, but rather a deeply slanted, right wing ideolog who most likely will decide law, not based on the facts, but based on his conservative and nonexistent morals. Kavanaugh is a man who is adamantly opposed to an FBI investigation, into the alleged claims of sexual assault, but at the same time professes he is completely innocent. In turn, because the hearing is not a criminal trial, the “burden of proof” is not that of “beyond a reasonable doubt” but just a mere “preponderance of the evidence.” With that burden of proof measure, there seems to be enough character doubt against Kavanaugh that he should not be deciding cases and enforcing law against the American public, and especially not deciding law against American woman. For if Kavanaugh had no problem trying to rip a woman’s pants off, he surely would have no problem deciding women’s rights, as it appears he doesn’t believe they have any. So yes, people do “dumb things in high school”, but as the old saying goes, “some people don’t change from high school.” Kavanaugh may have grown up, but he is still that rich, entitled, kid from suburban D.C., who is unaccustomed to not getting his way. It’s a shame Republicans, even with all their Bible belt rallies, can’t find any morals to stand on. What they have found is under the culture of Trump, when the moral high ground is an impediment to maintaining power, bypass the high ground, feign righteous indignation, but by all means, keep the power!    

2018 Browns' Chronicles: Week 3

 

By Kris Mead

1. We Won! The best part about this win was that it was a decisive win in all three phases of football. The offense, once Tyrod was no longer able to play and Baker inserted in, looked fantastic and the defense, as it has been doing in the last two games, was dominant. So, in saying that it was “decisive” I am referring to the fact that it felt like the Browns were a legit NFL team … for once. For instance, in 2016, in the one game that the Browns won that year, it was great that the Browns won, but it wasn’t decisive.  It was more or less extremely lucky – Josh Lambo shanked the Charger’s game tying field goal. Further it was late in the year,  so the fans just wanted “a” win to avoid the dreaded 0-16 record, which, little did we know, would be awarded to us the following year.  


However, this win, which happened on September 20, 2018, was like what the Battle of Gettysburg was to the Union Army. Before the North’s victory at Gettysburg they were getting beaten profusely.  The North’s only “meaningful” win was at the Battle of Antietam, but this battle was essentially won after both armies annihilated each other.  It just so happened at the battle’s conclusion that there were more Union troops standing in the ocean of blood than Confederate troops. So, for purposes of football, consider the Browns’ win on December 24, 2016 against the San Diego Chargers as their Antietam.  


2.A Tale of Two Quarterbacks. The First Half. Tyrod Taylor played the role of General Burnside or General Hooker. It doesn’t matter which of the two Union generals are picked because they both sucked, like Tyrod did. Tyrod was brought in, not because he won games, but because he didn’t lose games. So, the Browns knew their defense was good and figured that if their defense could hold up, then Tyrod could make at least one or two drives to get the Browns some points. But that was not the case. The defense held up their end of the bargain, but Tyrod, like Generals Hooker and Burnside, couldn’t clinch a decisive victory. In the first half, the half that Tyrod played almost the entirety, Tyrod went 3 for 22 passing for 19 yards.

Tyrod resembled 1^st Lieutenant Norman Dike, from the World War II miniseries, Band of Brothers. Dike assumed the role of company commander of Easy Company. At one point he attempted to attack a village but was pinned down and ordered his men to take cover behind a wagon, as a machine gun barreled down on them. Dike’s sergeants informed him that he must decide where his soldiers should move, because if he didn’t, they would all be annihilated. Tyrod was hiding behind the wagon, as the machine gun, in this case the Jets defense, kept pinning him down. Tyrod was so afraid to make a mistake that his decision making froze, causing him to throw bad passes and miss obviously open receivers. While Tyrod did risk a deep pass (twice), it just seemed that his arm strength wasn’t there, as the Browns wide receiver was too fast for his limp throws. Despite the wide receiver beating his defender, both underthrown deep passes were nearly intercepted, forcing the wide receiver to come back to the ball. Tyrod suffered the same fate as Lieutenant Dike, in that Tyrod was relieved from his battlefield duties and sent back to HQ or in football terms, the bench.

3. A Tale of Two Quarterbacks. The Second Half. I’ll admit Baker Mayfield was not my favorite quarterback in the draft.  I thought he was immature and lacked athletic ability. However, winning is the best kind of deodorant and no matter how bad you “smell” (I’m looking at you Rapistberger, Michael Vick, and Ray Lewis) it always covers the nastiest of stenches. In Baker’s defense there wasn’t any egregious behavior before the NFL, and, so far, there hasn’t been any sort of immature or egregious behavior that has occurred while he has been in the NFL. With that said, Baker Mayfield was the Browns’ Gustav Adolphus (the leader of the Swedes who single handedly turned the tide in the Protestant’s favor during the Thirty Years War). The stats speak for themselves: 17 of 23 for 201 yards passing and a QBR of 94.9. Remember, these stats are over just one half of football! However, the stat line doesn’t justify what Baker did for, not only the Browns, but for all Cleveland Browns fans. Baker Mayfield looked like a pro quarterback. He electrified a dispirited team, he had both accuracy and zip on the ball, and he was decisive with his throws. Baker looked like Brett Favre. Actually, let me rephrase - Baker looked like Brett Favre on the field, not the Brett Favre who sent pictures of his “you know what” to a female reporter (I’m sure Brett’s wife loved that kind gesture of his!), and now, ironically, does Wrangler Jean commercials sponsoring their “V” shape crotch jeans meant for “extra comfort.”


4.We Looked Like a Real Team. I know I alluded to this in the first section, but the Browns finally looked like a TRUE NFL team. Typically, the Browns play similar to an unbalanced table. For instance, let’s say you have a table in which three of the four legs reach the floor, while the other leg does not. So, what do you do? You grab a couple sugar packets and place them under the adjacent leg to balance the table. However, imagine placing sugar packets under every foot and still the table fails to balance. That’s the Browns of yesteryears. At one moment the offense could be playing great, but the defense doesn’t know where they are, or, and more typical, the offense plays like a Pee Wee football team and the defense eventually gets worn down. Then there are the times in which none of the table’s legs reach the floor, like when our only consistent play is a punt and our pass defense, plays like butter being sliced by a warm knife!


On September 20, 2018 the legs of the table all reached the floor and the sugar packet, it appeared, that worked, was Baker Mayfield! He brought the best out of the offense – receivers catching passes, balls being thrown with crisp power and accuracy, the running game was moving, and the defense held strong. Further, this team’s draft picks are proving to be effective. With a team that has made a namesake for missing picks and drafting busts, this was a relief. Denzel Ward played like a corner that we have needed for years, Myles Garrett looks like a number one overall draft pick with getting two sacks, Ogunjobi is playing like a defensive tackle that we haven’t seen since Sean Rogers (and hopefully Ogunjobi doesn’t “accidently” bring guns in a suitcase while going to an airport), and even Jabrill Peppers is playing surprisingly well.  


Although General Meade won Gettysburg, it would be dreadful if Baker becomes a “General Meade.” Yes, Gettysburg was important to the Union, but it was the high-water mark of Meade’s notoriety and battlefield prowess. What Cleveland needs Baker to become, and hopefully has found, is a General Grant or General Sherman - someone who can take command, be a force that its opponents fear, and provide consistent victory. So yes, it’s nice the Browns finally won a game, but that was just a battle, the war is far from being won.


On to Oakland!  

2018 Browns' Chronicles: Week 2

That’s it folks! Week Dos of the NFL season is now in the books and Cleveland still remains winless since December 24, 2016, or also known to me as a Christmas miracle! Anyhow, the Browns lost (again) and lost in what many would call a dramatic and unique fashion (again). The Browns have the ability to keep their fans on edge and infuse them with the feeling of hope to make them falsely believe that they will be victorious, that this Sunday will be Cleveland’s. But as soon as that thought even materializes in a Browns fans’ head, the moment vanishes almost as swiftly as a Tyler Perry Madea movie leaves theatres. This vicious and ugly feeling most closely resembles former New York Jets and, subsequently, Buffalo Bills head coach, Rex Ryan encouraging his players and respective fans that his teams would win the AFC East and take down the Patriot Dynasty. However, as any layperson sports fan knows, this promise never came to fruition, as Rex Ryan is now playing paddy cake on NFL Live and Bill Belichickk is still coaching and winning with the Patriots. So let’s break down Week Dos!

1. Gonzalez is Gone.  I put this as my first topic because I think it is the most obvious one. It is also the lousiest excuse. Yes, there is no question Zane Gonzalez, the heralded kicker from Arizona State University, which ironically was also the university that produced the short lived, but highly expensive Browns’ quarterback Brock Osweiler, should have made both PATs and at least one of his two field goals. I naturally feel badly for kickers. They have one job, but their job matters typically either on fourth down, when time is about to expire, and/or during a game winning/tying situation. In other words people only earnestly care about kickers when the game is at its epicenter of calamity. Kickers are what “closers” are in baseball – called in late in the game, but when the game matters the most and they, by stepping onto the field, assume sole responsibility for the entire outcome of the game. But unlike closers, kickers have almost no leeway when it comes to screwing up.  That’s because football only has 17 weeks of actual life! Unlike a closer who may be able to get by with his coach saying, “he just has to get in a rhythm,” a kicker screws up once and he is cut. Kickers are like judges on American Idol.  Each year there is a whole new set of judges and the fans are left trying to figure out what happened to the last guy. This past week NFL kickers missed a total of 19 field goals and 7 extra points. Plus Zane wasn’t the only guy who received a pink slip, so did Vikings’ rookie kicker, Daniel Carlson.

So does the blame rest on the kickers? Some of it does. However, America has turned into a systematically linear thinking nation. Too often we have shown ourselves to be a nation that needs immediate results, has short patients, views matters of justice as simply “black or white,” and relies upon what we remember in the last five minutes. For instance, Americans hate being in traffic jams, but once out of traffic jams and continue their day, they forget they were ever in such a terrible mood to begin the morning. Another example would be modern day investment fund holders who demand a 10% return on investment within the first 18 months, rather than the typical and more reliable five-year investment period. So a kicker is a victim of football’s, and now America’s, personality – short sighted, irrational, highly agitated, and mostly impatient.

2. Offensive Play Calling. I think Todd Haley, the Browns’ offensive coordinator, proves some weeks why he is a highly effective coordinator and other weeks why teams have routinely let him go. Week 2 was an example of both, but because this blog looks at the Browns’ weekly issues (not strengths) we will only focus on how Haley coached like a second grader trying to write his name in cursive. On third and short a team, trying to move the ball, typically would not want to move the ball backwards in hopes of moving it forward. Another way of saying it is, if the first down is only 2 yards away, the quickest means of getting that first down is to run up the middle in a straight line. The Browns, in typical Browns’ fashion, decided to try and “smoke screen” the Saints and do a double wide receiver reverse. So we pitched the ball back five yards in one direction and then pitched the ball back again. Instead of trying to gain two yards, the Browns decided to try to gain seven yards. So the Browns, on their own accord and under their own consent, chose to pick a play that would take a third and manageable and make it a third and long. So, in my book, I would consider this an idiotic decision on par with Zane Gonzalez missing an extra point. However, this play was just one when Haley would choose plays that seemed out of character for either the yardage needed, or the personnel situated on the field. At one-point Haley opted to employ Duke Johnson, the Browns’ talented, speedy and quick running back, as a power back. This was quite odd because the Browns specifically signed a power back in the offseason for just this sort of task – his name is Carlos Hyde.

The odd play calling (running initially laterally before running north/south) suggest to me that either Haley feared the Saints’ interior defense or has no faith in the Browns’ offensive line. The offensive line did do better in that they only allowed three sacks this week, and Taylor only scrambled for 26 yards. The other plus was the fact that Carlos Hyde was the lead rusher, not the quarterback. The downside seems to be that Taylor was the second leading rusher and that Hyde, the leading rusher, had just 46 yards of rushing on 16 carries. The Buccaneers, the week prior, mustered 112 rushing yards and their leading rusher, the running back Barber, rushed for 69 yards on 19 carries.

3. Front Office. Although this did not happen in the week 2 game, it just added to the misfortune that is the Browns. Cleveland announced on Saturday that they were going to release highly talented but routinely misguided, wide receiver Josh Gordon.  However, as if the Browns just found out that they could trade Josh Gordon rather than simply release him, they announced they were vetting different offers for Josh Gordon, from other teams. Naturally, Bill Belichick, who next to winning Super Bowls, salivates at the joy of screwing his former employer, the Browns, traded for Josh Gordon. John Dorsey, the Browns GM, agreed to this trade. In return for the highly coveted wide receiver, the Browns received a fifth-round draft pick. If this was the best offer the Browns received for Gordon, and they claimed to have received close to ten or more different offers, it would appear many teams have little faith that Gordon will be able to compete in the NFL due to his personal issues. The Browns also, as usual, shot themselves in the foot at the onset of negotiations by declaring to the world that they were going to release Gordon and in turn, teams could start to bid for him. Realizing this, most teams weren’t going to trade too much for Gordon as the Browns were already going to kick him to the curb.  So naturally teams are only offering to trade with the Browns so that they don’t have to go through the excruciating task of bidding for Gordon. 

Go Browns! Beat the Jets!

2018 Browns' Chronicles: Week 1

Football is back, America! Along with it are the countless Bud Light Lime commercials, the endless Lincoln ads in which Mathew McConaughey is the epitome for the phrase “just smile and look pretty,” and of course, the litany of Allstate “Mayhem” commercials. However, what is even more prominent is what I like to call, “The 2018 Cleveland Browns’ Chronicles!”

That’s right, after the Browns accrued no wins in 2017, I became inspired to write a blog each week detailing the major “points of emphasis” for that week’s game. In turn, this blog will be the inaugural for the 2018 Cleveland Browns Season. Let’s begin!

1. Cleveland’s Offensive Line: Boy was it bad. Several stats can be used to gauge how bad an O-line really is. Looking at the stats is like a doctor running a diagnosis by checking for symptoms. The patient says he has a sore throat and then the doctor tries to run different tests in order to determine whether the sore throat is caused by allergies, a cold, sinus infection, strep throat, or mono. From there the doctor can prescribe a treatment for the patient or tell the patient to just rest.  Either way the patient will be sure to receive a bill that far exceeds the doctor’s efforts. Anyhow, enough with America’s big business called healthcare and back to America’s soul called, football!

So what the stats will show is whether the fault lies with the offensive line or the quarterback. The first stat to look at is the amount of sacks that the quarterback, Tyrod Taylor, incurred. Tyrod was sacked seven times for a total loss of forty-seven yards. In other words, if Tyrod remembered his own birthday by the end of the game, it would be a miracle. The next stat is leading rusher. Typically this usually should be a running back. However, for the Browns it was Tyrod Taylor. Yes, Taylor is a scrambling quarterback, but he hardly had any quarterback design runs, and so this signals that he may have been running for his life, rather than by tactical intent. However, the Browns did have more rushing yards than their opponent, with 177 yards. Unfortunately, 77 of those yards came from Tyrod Taylor running for his life. Granted, the Steelers pass rushers resemble Patton’s tank battalion’s systematic trampling over the French plains. Also, the Browns are replacing the Hall of Fame left tackle, Joe Thomas, who unfortunately suffered from Stockholm syndrome as evidenced by his refusal to leave Cleveland for, I don’t know, a team with any sort of playoff chance.

2. Ben Rapistberger. Not only did the largest pretentious brute in the NFL, and that’s saying something as there are a lot of pretentious brutes in the NFL, play terribly, but he might have been what cost the Steelers the win. However, this should really be credited to the Browns’ defense that never lost focus and only got better as the game went on. It was good to see young first round draft picks, specifically Myles Garrett and Denzel Ward, have huge impacts on defense.  The commentators, specifically Big Ben’s former offensive coordinator, Bruce Arians, kept praising Big Ben for slimming down and following his diet (disregard the fact that Rapistberger’s previous daily diet consisted of a case of Bud Heavy and a family size package of Oscar Meyer all beef hot dogs). However, even with Big Ben’s “tremendous” weight loss, he still evaded rape charges better than the Cleveland Browns’ pass rush. Also the Browns’ pass defense caused Big Ben to force passes, which resulted in three interceptions.

3. Hue Jackson. I used to feel sorry for Hue Jackson, as I thought he was just a dispirited coach who has tried to do everything to get his team to win, but to no avail. For the longest time I thought, before the Browns players would rush out on the field, Jackson would flip a coin to decide whether he would take a swig of whiskey or shoot himself in the head with a revolver. However, now I have come to the conclusion that Hue Jackson is like the two young Joad children, Ruth and Winfield, from Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath. More specifically when the Joad’s enter California they first live in a “government camp.” Here Ruth and Winfield encounter one of the camp’s sanitary stations, what we would call toilets, but what they thought were simply white, porcelain pots that held water. Winfield then pulls the lever on the toilet and jumps when the water swishes down. Ruth then claims Winfield broke the machine and Winfield starts to sulk.  Jackson’s coaching is like Winfield coming upon a toilet for the first time. In the past two years, whenever Jackson would look down at his play sheet, he was like Joad staring at the porcelain toilet. Each time Hue would hear a voice in his headset, he would jump, just like Winfield jumped when the water swished down the toilet.

However, now Jackson looks like a man who has been told that what he has in his hand is called a play sheet which he can reference to decide what plays to run in a given situation. At one moment I saw Hue cussing out a referee. It brought a tear to my eye, because it caused me to realize that Hue does have a soul.  He has finally realized where he is and what he is to do. Now, it may be that Hue is finally feeling the fire under his ass, because if he can’t put a winning team together, he may find himself in a position similar to Joad’s, in that he must start frantically looking for new work.

4. The Weather.  Bruce Arians was not only a terrible analyst, but he was about as unbiased as Matt Lauer was while he was moderating a 2016 presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton (Laurer would ask Hillary how she would end worldwide poverty with only a ten dollar bill and a ballpoint pen, while he would then ask Trump if he likes his Quarter Pounder with or without cheese). Arians believed that because Big Ben was the best “bad weather” quarterback, that the advantage went to the Steelers. Never mind the fact the Steelers are the defending division champs and are picked to possibly represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, but it’s the fact that Big Ben is good when things become “messy. “Just like Ben’s stellar ability to escape prosecution after forcing himself upon a hotel maid. Looking at the pass statistics the Browns were very affected by the rain – they only had 150 yards of passing offense and Taylor only had 15 completions out of 40 attempts. So, it’s ironic that Cleveland next travels to the city most affected by Hurricane Katrina after they basically just played in it.

5. We Tied, Which Means We Can’t Go 0-16, Again! After losing every game last year and only winning one the year prior, it felt good just securing a tie, especially against an upper echelon team like the Steelers. So yeah, a tie feels the same as being ghosted after going on one date with a beautiful lady, but hey, at least that lady thought enough of you, initially, to go on one date. So Cleveland, we may have been unable to secure that coveted second date, but we got that first date, which was more than we ever got last year!

On to New Orleans! Go Browns!

Don't be Fooled, Trump is a Racist

The Spike Lee directed film called, The Blackkklansman, should be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture. It is essentially not only the greatest “catfish” in the history of “catfishing,” but it should also be noted as the first ever “catfish.” For those that are not aware, “catfishing” occurs most often in online dating in which one, or both, of the courters is not who they purport to be on their “dating profile.” So, in other words, a male suitor may think he is courting a beautiful model, but in reality, the woman may be 300lbs or possibly not a woman at all. The sensation of “catfishing” has become so entertaining, to primarily high school students, that MTV decided to make a reality TV series entitled, Catfish.  This show basically follows around couples who have never seen one another in person, but only communicate to each other via some sort of electronic communication – dating app, Facebook, etc.

So now that the term “catfishing” has been thoroughly described, it is time to discuss how The Blackklansman could be so memorable, if it was essentially nothing more than an episode of MTV’s Catfish on steroids. It comes down to three parts: the objective of the “catfishing,” the technique that was used to execute the “catfishing,” and lastly, the significance that this “catfishing” still has, or should have, on every American.

The objective of the “catfishing” is pretty easy to comprehend – a black Colorado Springs police officer called, “Ron Stallworth” (played by John David Washington), is attempting to infiltrate and gather information on the local KKK chapter and prevent them from committing any crimes (which they eventually do). His technique to infiltrate the KKK was also quite simple, yet extremely difficult to execute. Stallworth simply called his local KKK chapter and spoke with the leader, whom Stallworth convinced to bring him in for a KKK meeting. In turn, Stallworth enlisted a white undercover police officer, named “Flip Zimmerman” who was ironically Jewish, (played by Adam Driver) to act as Stallworth, but in person with the KKK. Eventually Stallworth so well “catfished” the local KKK chapter he was eventually talking to the KKK’s National Director, David Duke, on a regular basis. At one-point David Duke told Stallworth, over the phone, that he knew Stallworth couldn’t be black because he can recognize a black voice (obviously David Duke thought too highly of himself).

One of the most moving scenes is when Stallworth is talking to his sergeant, who is the head of the police department’s intelligence unit, from a vacant stairwell in police headquarters.  The sergeant briefs Stallworth on how David Duke is changing the Klan’s motif. He insists that Duke wants to move away from a “violent based” organization to a political based organization. In other words, Duke wants to be able to nominate persons to political office who will pass “covert” legislation that would instill the KKK’s values. Stallworth replies by saying, “America wouldn’t let that happen.” Then the sergeant replies that Stallworth is too naïve.

The importance of this scene is that the KKK has successfully gotten their ideal candidate, not in state or local government, but into the highest office in the world. Let me be clear, as I do not want there to be any mistake, I am unequivocally calling the United States President, Donald J. Trump, a racist and a white supremacist. More importantly, Donald Trump has used the strategy that David Duke foresaw and which Lee Atwater, a Republican political strategist and adviser, for both the Reagan and H.W. Bush presidential campaigns, entitled as “the southern strategy.” However, Donald Trump essentially used this “southern strategy” not just on the South, but on the entire nation. Below is a 1981 excerpt from a Lee Atwater interview, which summarizes the southern strategy:

You start out in 1954 by saying, “Nigger, nigger, nigger.” By 1968 you can’t say “nigger” – that hurts you. Backfires. So you say stuff like forced busing, states’ rights and all that stuff. You’re getting so abstract now [that] you’re talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you’re talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is [that] blacks get hurt worse than whites. And subconsciously maybe that is part of it. . . But I’m saying that if it is getting that abstract, and that coded, that we are doing away with the racial problem one way or the other. You follow me – because obviously sitting around saying, “We want to cut this.” is much more abstract then even the busing thing, and a hell of a lot more abstract than “Nigger, nigger.”  (Lee, Atwater. The Two-Party South Alexander P Lamis. 8 July 1981. Document).

What is ironic is that Atwater explicitly states that simply being “openly” racists will “backfire” against the candidate. However, Trump has shot that assertion into the wind. Trump has routinely and openly chosen not to express disdain and disgust towards the white nationalist, who not only rioted and protested in Charlottesville, but that also murdered a counter protester in Charlottesville. Further, Trump has taken it upon himself to ensure that NFL players (who are predominantly black), who are protesting police brutality by kneeling during the National Anthem, are demonized as un-American. Trump wants to cut affirmative-action programs, for no other logical reason but to pursue his racist agenda. Finally, what is the biggest slap to America’s face is the fact that this narrow-minded, bigoted, babbling buffoon was elected after America had one of the brightest presidents to hold that office – Barack Obama. This shows that it is not ironic that a racist president, who’s only agenda item is to effectively erase every accomplishment his highly intelligent black predecessor was able to pass, was elected.

To make this story even sadder is the fact that racist behavior only persists if the institutions that govern the people are naturally racist. America boasts that because it is a democracy, its people hold the power.  Therefore, it is the people’s choice on how the institutions are run. In turn, racist institutions only persist if the people are complacent. Here in 2018 the citizens of the United States, and the finger should be squarely pointed at the Republican party, are complacent to racism against minorities. By electing a highly racist president, and then continually nominating, and in some cases electing, racist lower level politicians, Americans are providing their verdict that they are OK with racist government institutions.

So, for those Americans who voted for Trump, or any “Trumpian” lower level candidate, and then claim they aren’t racist and/or who believes the candidate of their choice isn’t a racist, you are being “catfished” worse than David Duke was “catfished” by Ron Stallworth in The Blackkklansman. Congratulations.

Although Refs May Dress Like Zebras, They Are Still Dumber

This article goes out to all the athletes who thought they were wronged by an official.  This article is dedicated to the frat boys who dress up as “blind” referees for Halloween.  It also goes out to every coach who has gone hoarse due to yelling into an incompetent and bungling referee’s ear, because this article goes in depth into how even the Ohio High School Athletic Association’s own officials have no idea how to instruct aspiring high school football officials.

The class into which I recently and regrettably enrolled was to be a “condensed” version of the “traditional” six to eight week long high school officiating course. This condensed version was to be a total of two days and one and a half hours of officiating. This course is required to be completed in order to become a high school football referee in Ohio.  There are three main requirements to becoming an Ohio high school football referee (1) pass the three written tests; (2) earn the required classroom hours, and (3) earn the required “field” time.

Now that the “background” has been provided to the reader, I will begin my rant in a manner akin to that annoying girl in high school who always had to tell the substitute teacher during roll call that her name is Sara with an “h.” In other words, consider this an apology beforehand.

The main issue with this “condensed “class was the fact that it was run by five grown men, who, combined, had the equivalent mental capacity of Old Yeller, once Old Yeller received a bullet to the head. Actually, John Steinbeck’s famous novel, Of Mice and Men, is possibly the only piece in the English written language that correctly resembles how frustrating this class was.

Of Mice and Men revolved around the relationship between two friends - the sane George and the annoying Lenny. In this officiating class I was “George” and the instructors were a bunch of “Lenny’s.”  So for example, because it was a condensed class a reasonable person would presume that the class had to be extremely structured so that the paying pupils could master the skills to become a competent football official. However, in reality the first two hours and forty-five minutes consisted of each of the instructors babbling on about how by the end of the training none of the students will still know what they are doing.  Then they would discuss some off-topic incident about when they had to kick a fan out of the stands. This went on for 165 minutes.

So just like how Lenny kept repeating to George about how he just wants to “pet the bunnies” and starts naming all the different color bunnies, the instructors were literally discussing each time they had to kick someone out of a game. In all honesty, the first four stories were actually interesting, but then the stories became stale.  Like how at first everyone feels sorry for a bully because it turns out he lost his dad, but then the masses realize that the bully’s loss was not the reason he was a constant and complete ass, but really “the loss” just gave the bully an excuse to continue being an ass without any reprimand.

Unfortunately, neither I nor any of my classmates were in a position to shut up this babbling batch of numb nuts, so we had to sit and listen to every imaginable ejection story. Finally, the stories ended and I eagerly opened my notebook to take notes on the various things to watch while officiating. However, I must have been far too eager to learn the elements of offensive pass interference because the instructors decided to discuss the name of the class.

The class was titled, “Are You a Duck…..?” Although this name resembled the same title as a children’s book, I intentionally disregarded the statement. However, the instructors, or in this case the most annoying instructor, (for identity purposes I will refer to him as the “Lead Idiot 1”). The Lead Idiot 1 went on to say that the reason this class is called, “Are You a Duck…?” is because “just like when people see a duck, they know it’s a duck, and so when people see a ref, they believe it’s a ref.” I mean not even Jason Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had this depth of mind numbing lines and concepts. However, the worst part was not only that Lead Idiot 1 took seriously what he said, but the pupils did too. It honestly felt as though I was in some sort of Nazi Brown Shirt rally, in which I was the only participant refusing to salute.

After Lead Idiot 1 was finished giving his psychological thesis on what happens when a competent human being notices a duck, Lead Idiot 2 then decided to discuss the difference between a “pretender” and a “contender” official. As you’ll notice, just like the Republican party was sold on an irrational and futile slogan – “repeal and replace” – my instructors also loved meaningless phrases. In this case Lead Idiot 2 discussed how “pretender” officials were only officiating because they wanted the money. Let’s be clear, football officials at the high school level and below make between $50-75 a game. Further, that amount is seasonal and, lastly, you could make more working at McDonald’s.  But I’m quite positive these instructors would have trouble staying employed at McDonald’s.

Finally the phrases and filibusters ended. The class was then instructed to go to the gym. Here at the gym a new instructor showed up. The Lead Idiots praised this instructor and made us give him a standing ovation …. twice! At this point I felt as though I was rushing for a fraternity, and we were clapping for the senior fraternity bro because he could chug the most “brewskies” without needing his stomach pumped! The “honorary instructor” then taught us how to throw a flag, a bean bag, and blow a whistle. He then ordered us to give certain dead ball signals. He must have naively presumed the class was actually taught something for the 165 minutes prior to his arrival.  He soon discovered no one fluently knew most of the signals, that he was asking us to give. At one point, I thought about wrapping the whistle lanyard around my throat so tight that I would simply pass out.

After giving the “honorary instructor” another standing ovation, the pupils were dismissed for lunch. This was my favorite part because I had the possibility of “running off.” However, I returned, regrettably, to the classroom. Lead Idiot 1 discussed how each of us should purchase insurance to protect us in case we are sued by a parent whose kid breaks his neck on the field. Lead Idiot 1 then stated that he has a multi-million-dollar policy to protect him against being sued for alleged discrimination (side note, Lead Idiot 1 is also an Assignor. This means he is in charge of assigning games to each official for a district) by officials who were not getting enough games. At one point he said that an official threatened to sue him for alleged discrimination, and Lead Idiot 1 replied to the official by saying, “Bring it!” The Lead Idiot 1 then said since he was “covered” he had nothing to worry about. By that logic Lead Idiot 1 must also believe that he can crash his car into any one and anything, simply because he is “covered” under his auto insurance.

This is the point where I determined I no longer wanted to be a football referee, and, more importantly, just wanted to get out of the classroom, as I was afraid that if I lost any more brain cells I would have the same IQ as Lead Idiot 1.

In the last hour of class, we learned from Lead Idiot 3 about penalty enforcement. Finally! This is the only time in which I learned anything meaningful. However, this also consisted of a lot of chanting. For instance Lead Idiot 3 would constantly ask, “There are two types of plays – loose ball plays and running plays. What are these plays called?” The class would then say, “Loose ball plays and running plays.” Lead Idiot 3 would then ask again what two types of plays were permissible in football. This went on for fifteen minutes.

I am getting worn out just reliving the experience with these lunatics and so there are just a few more points I would like to highlight. One, Lead Idiot 1 reminded me of this guy at my local bar who always stumbled over his words and sounded like he always needed to sneeze. The only difference is my bar guy spoke like this because he had one too many whiskey sours. I must think Lead Idiot 1 spoke this way because he had one too many hits to the head. Also, I did not show up to the next day’s class (my brain was still recovering) and so did not get licensed, but I did take the three online tests and passed with flying colors. The best part was that these instructors, like a lead frat guy heartbroken because a pledge quits after realizing how douchy frat guys are, contacted me twice, asking why I was not present for class. In turn, I responded to them by telling them what I am telling you …  just more politely.

In short, this class taught me nothing about football officiating, but I did come to realize why George killed Lenny in the end of Of Mice and Men (sorry if I spoiled the novel for you).