The Booger Beat: MNF Redskins v. Saints

By Kris Mead

 

With John Gruden’s departure from Monday Night Football on ESPN, most viewers who enjoy not having their ears bleed while watching football, were hopeful that they could once again unmute their televisions and watch the game with the sound on. However, that wish was short lived as ESPN replaced one washed up NFL coach, who could only muster speaking words with, at most, three syllables, with an equally, if not more unintelligent, brute in Booger McFarland.

Since ESPN has beat reporters to cover each NFL team, I have taken it upon myself to be the beat reporter for our lovable nimrod – Booger McFarland. Welcome to the inaugural installment of The Booger Beat!

Booger is unique not only in his ability to state the obvious, but in how he goes about stating the obvious. For instance, in last Monday’s game, Booger made this analysis, when the Redskins were in the red zone but down 26-6 against the Saints, “Redskins need a touchdown, cannot settle for a field goal in the red zone.” Disregard the fact that Booger could have used his experience playing football to better analyze how the Redskins should attack the New Orleans defense, or what play call the Redskins tend to make in this part of the field.  Instead, Booger used all his NFL insight to state that a team down by twenty points would be better off scoring six points rather than three points.

There was another point in the game in which the Redskins were called for a horse collar tackle penalty. While the penalty was being sorted out, Booger was given the honors of letting the viewers know what was happening. So, Booger stated, “think you may have a horse collar on the tackle.” Booger essentially defined a word by using the word in the definition. By saying that it was a “horse collar,” there was no need for Booger to add that extra insight that the horse collar “is on the tackle.” That’s because the penalty is literally called a “horse collar tackle.”

At other times Booger chose to use the Socratic method on the viewers. At one point the Saints were pushed back on third down due to a penalty. Booger took it upon himself to make his “deep” analysis. First Booger told the audience that, “They [Redskins] got to make a play here.” What Booger did in this case was similar to when a fifth-grade teacher tells her students that they should refrain from using adjectives with three letters and try to use “bigger” words in their writing. Booger basically did the same thing, but in sportscaster talk. Whereas a teacher might encourage her pupils to use the word “enormous” in place of the simplistic word “big” to describe something large, a sportscaster is encouraged to say something like, ”the middle linebacker should blitz up the A gap because you know the offense likes to throw in third and long” rather than, “they need to make a play” when describing a third and long situation for the defense. However, Booger decided to go the more simplistic route. The second item that Booger did was what I’ll call “flip the script.” After Booger said that the Redskins needed to “make a play on defense,” he then asked the audience, “Do they come after him [New Orleans quarterback, Drew Brees] or stay back?” Booger went Socratic method on us football viewers! Booger probably got too tired of giving us idiots all the answers, deciding it was time the viewer worked for his expertise!

Some other “notable quotables” that Booger decided to use:

1. Just a dancing bear, not just a blind dog in a bee house (Booger was describing a Washington defensive lineman causing a fumble on a New Orleans screen play. Still not sure what to make of that analogy).
2. That’s not a good formula to play D against that guy (That “guy” would be New Orleans quarterback Drew Brees. The Redskins committed pass interference which gave New Orleans a fresh set of downs.)
3. Them ‘Bama Boys make a difference (the name Booger gave to the Redskins defensive line because two out of their three linemen came from the University of Alabama…)
4. Redskins need to settle down, lot of football left to play in the second half (another extremely generic football quote. There is exactly 30 minutes of football left to play at the beginning of the second half)

At one point it appeared Booger was being outright contradicted by his own commentator, Joe Tessitore. In the second quarter, the Redskins were down but had the ball. Booger stated, “Redskins can still run the football. They have to be patient.” However, then Tessitore immediately said, “You must press the pedal against the Saints.” Joe, who had zero experience playing football at any high level, outright contradicted the most insightful analysis that Booger gave the entire night!

Joe’s annoyance with Booger would only continue. In the third quarter the Saints caused a sack fumble and recovered the ball. Booger’s analysis was, “I think they [referees] are going to call that a sack fumble, Joe.” Joe immediately stated, without any hesitation to Booger, “No doubt about it.”

A few “Booger Stats”:

1. Total comments in first quarter: 13
2. Total comments in second quarter: 30
3. Total comments in third quarter: 21
4. Total comments in fourth quarter: 10

So, if you do tune into Monday Night Football I still recommend keeping your T.V. on mute.  But if you must have the sound, I recommend only turning it up during the first and fourth quarters. Booger gets all riled up in the second and third quarters and I have yet to find out why this is (possibly they feed him during these quarters), but my investigative reporting (from my couch) has yet to determine the cause. Sorry.