This article goes out to all the athletes who thought they
were wronged by an official. This
article is dedicated to the frat boys who dress up as “blind” referees for
Halloween. It also goes out to every
coach who has gone hoarse due to yelling into an incompetent and bungling
referee’s ear, because this article goes in depth into how even the Ohio High
School Athletic Association’s own officials have no idea how to instruct aspiring
high school football officials.
The class into which I recently and regrettably enrolled was
to be a “condensed” version of the “traditional” six to eight week long high
school officiating course. This condensed version was to be a total of two days
and one and a half hours of officiating. This course is required to be completed
in order to become a high school football referee in Ohio. There are three main requirements to becoming
an Ohio high school football referee (1) pass the three written tests; (2) earn
the required classroom hours, and (3) earn the required “field” time.
Now that the “background” has been provided to the reader, I
will begin my rant in a manner akin to that annoying girl in high school who
always had to tell the substitute teacher during roll call that her name is
Sara with an “h.” In other words, consider this an apology beforehand.
The main issue with this “condensed “class was the fact that
it was run by five grown men, who, combined, had the equivalent mental capacity
of Old Yeller, once Old Yeller received a bullet to the head. Actually, John Steinbeck’s
famous novel, Of Mice and Men, is
possibly the only piece in the English written language that correctly
resembles how frustrating this class was.
Of Mice and Men
revolved around the relationship between two friends - the sane George and the
annoying Lenny. In this officiating class I was “George” and the instructors
were a bunch of “Lenny’s.” So for
example, because it was a condensed class a reasonable person would presume
that the class had to be extremely structured so that the paying pupils could
master the skills to become a competent football official. However, in reality
the first two hours and forty-five minutes consisted of each of the instructors
babbling on about how by the end of the training none of the students will still
know what they are doing. Then they
would discuss some off-topic incident about when they had to kick a fan out of
the stands. This went on for 165 minutes.
So just like how Lenny kept repeating to George about how he
just wants to “pet the bunnies” and starts naming all the different color
bunnies, the instructors were literally discussing each time they had to kick
someone out of a game. In all honesty, the first four stories were actually interesting,
but then the stories became stale. Like
how at first everyone feels sorry for a bully because it turns out he lost his
dad, but then the masses realize that the bully’s loss was not the reason he
was a constant and complete ass, but really “the loss” just gave the bully an
excuse to continue being an ass without any reprimand.
Unfortunately, neither I nor any of my classmates were in a
position to shut up this babbling batch of numb nuts, so we had to sit and
listen to every imaginable ejection story. Finally, the stories ended and I
eagerly opened my notebook to take notes on the various things to watch while
officiating. However, I must have been far too eager to learn the elements of
offensive pass interference because the instructors decided to discuss the name
of the class.
The class was titled, “Are You a Duck…..?” Although this
name resembled the same title as a children’s book, I intentionally disregarded
the statement. However, the instructors, or in this case the most annoying
instructor, (for identity purposes I will refer to him as the “Lead Idiot 1”).
The Lead Idiot 1 went on to say that the reason this class is called, “Are You
a Duck…?” is because “just like when people see a duck, they know it’s a duck,
and so when people see a ref, they believe it’s a ref.” I mean not even Jason Bay’s
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had
this depth of mind numbing lines and concepts. However, the worst part was not
only that Lead Idiot 1 took seriously what he said, but the pupils did too. It
honestly felt as though I was in some sort of Nazi Brown Shirt rally, in which
I was the only participant refusing to salute.
After Lead Idiot 1 was finished giving his psychological
thesis on what happens when a competent human being notices a duck, Lead Idiot
2 then decided to discuss the difference between a “pretender” and a
“contender” official. As you’ll notice, just like the Republican party was sold
on an irrational and futile slogan – “repeal and replace” – my instructors also
loved meaningless phrases. In this case Lead Idiot 2 discussed how “pretender”
officials were only officiating because they wanted the money. Let’s be clear,
football officials at the high school level and below make between $50-75 a
game. Further, that amount is seasonal and, lastly, you could make more working
at McDonald’s. But I’m quite positive
these instructors would have trouble staying employed at McDonald’s.
Finally the phrases and filibusters ended. The class was
then instructed to go to the gym. Here at the gym a new instructor showed up.
The Lead Idiots praised this instructor and made us give him a standing ovation
…. twice! At this point I felt as though I was rushing for a fraternity, and we
were clapping for the senior fraternity bro because he could chug the most “brewskies”
without needing his stomach pumped! The “honorary instructor” then taught us
how to throw a flag, a bean bag, and blow a whistle. He then ordered us to give
certain dead ball signals. He must have naively presumed the class was actually
taught something for the 165 minutes prior to his arrival. He soon discovered no one fluently knew most
of the signals, that he was asking us to give. At one point, I thought about
wrapping the whistle lanyard around my throat so tight that I would simply pass
out.
After giving the “honorary instructor” another standing ovation,
the pupils were dismissed for lunch. This was my favorite part because I had
the possibility of “running off.” However, I returned, regrettably, to the
classroom. Lead Idiot 1 discussed how each of us should purchase insurance to
protect us in case we are sued by a parent whose kid breaks his neck on the
field. Lead Idiot 1 then stated that he has a multi-million-dollar policy to
protect him against being sued for alleged discrimination (side note, Lead
Idiot 1 is also an Assignor. This means he is in charge of assigning games to
each official for a district) by officials who were not getting enough games.
At one point he said that an official threatened to sue him for alleged
discrimination, and Lead Idiot 1 replied to the official by saying, “Bring it!”
The Lead Idiot 1 then said since he was “covered” he had nothing to worry
about. By that logic Lead Idiot 1 must also believe that he can crash his car
into any one and anything, simply because he is “covered” under his auto
insurance.
This is the point where I determined I no longer wanted to
be a football referee, and, more importantly, just wanted to get out of the
classroom, as I was afraid that if I lost any more brain cells I would have the
same IQ as Lead Idiot 1.
In the last hour of class, we learned from Lead Idiot 3
about penalty enforcement. Finally! This is the only time in which I learned
anything meaningful. However, this also consisted of a lot of chanting. For
instance Lead Idiot 3 would constantly ask, “There are two types of plays –
loose ball plays and running plays. What are these plays called?” The class
would then say, “Loose ball plays and running plays.” Lead Idiot 3 would then
ask again what two types of plays were permissible in football. This went on
for fifteen minutes.
I am getting worn out just reliving the experience with these
lunatics and so there are just a few more points I would like to highlight.
One, Lead Idiot 1 reminded me of this guy at my local bar who always stumbled
over his words and sounded like he always needed to sneeze. The only difference
is my bar guy spoke like this because he had one too many whiskey sours. I must
think Lead Idiot 1 spoke this way because he had one too many hits to the head.
Also, I did not show up to the next day’s class (my brain was still recovering)
and so did not get licensed, but I did take the three online tests and passed with
flying colors. The best part was that these instructors, like a lead frat guy
heartbroken because a pledge quits after realizing how douchy frat guys are,
contacted me twice, asking why I was not present for class. In turn, I
responded to them by telling them what I am telling you … just more politely.
In short, this class taught me nothing about football
officiating, but I did come to realize why George killed Lenny in the end of Of Mice and Men (sorry if I spoiled the
novel for you).
